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I hate love.
I gave you my heart and said, “don’t drop this”. My greatest vulnerability.
To believe in you when you say you won’t was just purely gullible.
You had me believing in such blissful true love.
That possibly there would be that one person to trust.
Until that god awful day, you sat drunk and high on the floor,
Tearfully telling me I had to leave;
And made me ask the question I never dreamed,
Have you cheated, on me?
I taught you forgiveness, communication, trust, love, compassion and acceptance.
You taught me not to trust.
You taught me to hate love.
I did learn from you, however, nothing positive.
Although, I will not regret being with you because I was able to teach you
Days pass.
I waited for you to reach out but you never did,
Which caused me to do something I never should.
I waited for weeks and months for you to try and show me I’m loved
But that was never something you could front.
Then suddenly it wasn’t you that called me it was her
But I’m not ready for that.
I left everything in your court, and you never played ball.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But my absence only made you more distant.
The thought of seeing you is utterly sickening.
However, I don’t even know who I am - how am I supposed to know what I want.
After weeks of being occupied finally slowing down,
Leading to an open mind, full of temptation.
So here’s cheers. Cheers to seeming endless night resulting in slow mornings.
And bottomless bottles on the counter.
A cigarette smouldering in that crystal ashtray.
Because you know how I love crystal.
Just like that song that you wrote.
A single plume of smoke, there to comfort me.
Dancing to the ceiling.
Decorating the walls.
Lingering in the curtains.
It is like the movies
The second it’s over
All you can remember is what made you fall in love
Forcing yourself to remember the taint that ruined it all.
But still, it blazes through your heart.
Like the sweetest poison.
It scares me to love someone so intensely and not have them love you back the same way
Love is unique to every single person.
Some people struggle to let love in
Some are built for it
Some are looking for someone to love them the way they think they deserve.
So, to my future.
I am going to shut down when I show a sign of needing you.
I will struggle to trust. I have seen every reason not to.
I will be good to you.
But I am a mess.
And I’m sure that you will be perfect.
I will spoil you.
But you won’t ever be her.
There will be something missing.
And for that, I apologise.
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