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Today I feel good. How can I not when I spent all day with a puppy and caught up on One Tree Hill. When I got home and walked into my bedroom, it all hit me at once. Unpack you bags, you will feel better and not as cluttered I told myself. Put your pillow back in its spot, and take your hairbrush back to the bathroom. Put your makeup back on your makeup table, but don't make eye contact with the basket of dirty laundry in the corner. I apologize profusely to the laundry for not washing it sooner, and that if I only had to will to drag myself out of bed sooner I might have done it last Wednesday.
Wednesday, the middle of the week, the worst days of the week. Stressed from work, and homework, I just want to crawl into bed, but wake me up when it is Friday afternoon at 4, because my girlfriend is on the way down here and she will be here in a half hour. I'll clean my room spotless Wednesday night before bed, but it will be a wreck before she gets here, so I will apologize to her some more when she arrives that night. I will apologize for not feeling like doing anything. I will fall asleep crying that night because I don't feel like I am enough. She will lay there in silence, not hearing a word I speak to her, but she doesn't realize she is the calm to my storm that night.
I walk past my long dresser in front of my window , but I will keep the curtains closed because my room should be dark and gloomy like me right? Then I see my friends on the dresser, many new ones that I have yet to find a home yet. I apologize to my new books and promise them that I love them and that I can't wait to find a place for them inside my heart, and a home on my overflowing bookcases, but i will do that after i take yet again another nap. Another nap, that is all I need, then I will feel energized enough to put my books away and maybe start a new one. Another nap for me to wake up from feeling sad because my girlfriend isn't here, another nap that I will wake up and look at the alarm clock on my dresser to see the time, and then look over at my books, and pull the covers back over my head, because being asleep is better than being sad right?
I wonder how much that I miss out on because of this thing called depression. I don't even have the will to drag myself out of bed to do my laundry, to take my old cups downstairs, I don't have the will to put makeup on, I don't have the will to make pretty outfits from the beautiful clothes I have. And some days I wake up with out the will to go on living my life. And on those days, I pick up one of my best friends, and get lost in another reality.
Everything is so simple there in the black and white.
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