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My depression started back when I finished high school. At that time I was so concerned about labeling my self with depression or even seeking help that I looked anywhere and everywhere for relief. Gymming, hiking, talking to my brother, hugging, dating, cuddling, going out, drinking, partying, and all that eventually lead to me being in an abusive relationship. I thought as long as I worked out, looked good, put a smile on my face that it would all go away. I started to learn about psychology in the 8th grade to learn about body language and social behavior. But still I thought that everyone just goes through life with this sense of fog and heaviness on their shoulders. Obviously not. I started to open up about my life with my friends and realized that I was one of few of my friends that felt like this, the more I opened up the more I found that I had other friends that went through this feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to take a shower until you have to, not wanting to feel all the feelings so you just binge watch TV shows all day to block all your sense away... I was called lazy for all of this, unmotivated I didn't know it was depression proving to be something that I can't defeat on my own.
Fast forward 5 years... I'm still in college struggling to pass the same classes over and over again, saying this time, this time I'll pass and I'll prove to my self that I can handle it all. I can handle my friends graduating around me, my parents calling me a failure for not graduating, working, life moving forward not really leaving me behind but showing that it won't wait for me to catch up. I do really well in my psychology classes though... maybe because they kind of keep me in check. I got so good at covering my flaw that is depression my friends started to call me mom because I reached out my hand to help them like nothing with me was wrong.. and then. I met a wonderful guy that is just so positive I hoped it would rub off and on most days he did ...in the beginning. That wonderful feeling of first being in love gosh! I know he's perfect for me, but I'm not perfect for him. It kills me more when I have the worst days where I turn off all my feelings, and stare at the ceiling hoping that I'd just stop breathing.. it kills me because I know he feels pain from seeing me that way. He motivated me to finish my EMT course and keep climbing and getting a job that was better than the last. And then I started to feel this aching pain in my chest, I figured it was from late nights of working on the ambulance, sleep deprivation. But even after I stopped working in the ambulance it didn't go away. So I just ignored it ...as best as you can ignore an ache with every exhale.
Anyways I married him. In March, it was a perfect day and I was able to smile through most of it, at some points of the day it felt like I was looking from the outside of my own wedding but for the most part, I took time to just really take it in. But after came the arguments about finances, family, school, not graduating yet, kids... Life showing me again that it won't wait for me that I'll move forward and drag me along. The chest pain continued I had two attempts at my life in one year, three emotional breakdowns.. or as I call them shut downs. I started to notice a panic in his face whenever we argued like he should hide all the pills in the house, like he would be to scared to leave me alone so I said okay. Ill get a psychiatrist or whatever I need to get rid of my depression and be the wife I know I can be. Easier said than done...
After about three months of working up to it, I finally made an appointment and talked to my physician about getting help. She gave me a referral and of course I didn't use it. Then in December, I started to notice that I would clean the house obsessively, avoid all duties by just cleaning... if my life is clean on the outside no one can tell I'm a mess on the inside right? Then I started to watch videos and movies as I clean, then as I ate, then as I worked, and as I drove. Yea my husband still exists. I just gave the excuse of "I dont like being in silence, I like hearing people talk when I'm home ...I'm not actually paying attention. I can turn it off no problem" I lied. Then I started to notice that I would stutter as I talked, simple things that I would regularly be able to say and think were harder to come out. And finally, I noticed the one thing that would usually make me feel better, hugs, cuddles, any source of human touch... started to get annoying. I wanted to be left alone by the people I loved the most and at the same time, I didn't.
So I finally went back and asked for a new referral. I didn't know how hard it was going to be to actually get a psychologist. EVERYONE was booked! ..or didn't accept my insurance. I called over 20 psychologists. So you're telling me that so many people have this issue and just keep quiet about it? I finally found someone that actually had an availability... but she's a LMFT, not a psychologist so I'm a little skeptical...
I went to my first meeting last week. I told her all my problems with a smile... because that the only way I know how to handle these sorts of things. So here I am, facing my depression while going to class, while working, while being a good wife, while being a good friend, while trying to be social, while helping my parents find a house so they don't end up homeless, while worrying that my 99-year-old grandmother with progressive dementia will pass away soon, while my chest hurts with every exhale and the knot on my back hurts with every inhale ...here I am.
-DK
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Hi. I don't have much to say but I want you to know that you are really strong. You are a strong women. You manage to do all of those things while you battling your own self. I hope you'll get rid off your depression soon. I wish you joy and prosper in the future. I wish you well. :)
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