If only...

I wonder how it feels to not have homophobic parents.

Most people don't realise how hard it is to hide a huge secret. When I so much as walk in my parents view, I try to walk "less gay", try to move my hands in a less soft and animated way, try to hide this big part of me from them.

My family, at least once a week brings up the topic of gay people. They have nothing positive to say. Gay people are sick, troubled, confused, mind-washed by the liberals, and disgusting - as I often hear my family describe them. If only - if only they knew that "a gay" was sitting right there, hearing every heartless word, trying not to cry. Not only do I have to not cry, I have to contribute to the hate speach, otherwise, well, my cover will be blown. After all, how could anyyy sane person not condescend and eviscerate an existence so damn wrong and misguided? So yeah, I have to say horrible things. Untrue things. And with emthusiasm. Like "hell yeah! Let's throw me down a well somewhere and forget I contaminated the family tree! I suck!"

But I had hope. You see, my parents are big on family. They will protect their children. No. Matter. What. Family comes first. Family is all that matters. So I thought, maybe if I came out, sure there would be some turbulence, but ultimately, maybe they would accept me.

That's when I had hope. Won't make that mistake again.

While my parents were having a dispute, my mom asked a certain rhetoric, to make an analogy to her point: "if one of our sons came home and said 'I'm gay', would you just be okay with that?"

"Of course not, I would kick 'em out of the house and never look back..."

No hesitation. No wavering in his voice. Nothing. And where was I to have heard all this? Two meters away. Sitting. Eating. Trying to not react to what he had just said. It was, frankly, life or death. So I kept eating. And I did not react.

I don't even feel like describing how I felt, because it seems beyond words to me. So what do I do? Come out when I'm not reliant in their support? Risk losing my family? Break their hearts? (Because I swear, my mom and grandma would fall to the ground right then and there).

I godamn hate all the modern tv shows that have "homophobic parents" who magically forget they were ever homophobic like a week after someone close came out to them. If that's the world you live in, I envy you.