I regret a lot, I hope you can relate

I've come to the conclusion I wish I wasn't born at this time. If I didn't have a phone and social media maybe my life would be completely different. The biggest struggle for me is dealing with regret/pain from seeing things on my phone that reminds me of past parts of my life. Like, I'll see a post about our high school basketball team and diverge into a chain of negative self-thoughts about how I didn't make the team because I simply didn't put in the effort or time. My drug use was the forefront of this let down in my life, still haven't shaken it. I used to always think about how I wanted to be "successful" and this started with going from high school to a really prestigious college. At first, I imagined getting into Harvard or Princeton. As time went on and I became a sophomore, junior, and senior my hopes dwindled and dwindled until I came to terms with going to the biggest in-state school. A close family member went there and I was sure I would get in. I got deferred, and my grades senior year (what the deferral was contingent on) were horrible, my worst in high school. This event for me was really negative and still hurts me a lot, and probably will for a really long time if not my whole life. Did someone ask, "Why were your grades bad?" Oh, because of my horrible sleeping patterns, mixed with social anxiety, mixed with, you guessed it, drugs. Is there even a point to this self-reflection? Why keep this narrative of myself being something less than I could have been alive in my head by typing all this? I really don't know. Part of me wants someone to tell me that who I currently am is okay and that they love me, but it truly wouldn't do much cause I've heard those exact lines (more or less) hundreds and hundreds of times, anxious emotional episode of self-hatred after another. I don't know what I want to know, maybe I just want the darkest of my feelings to be tangible if you would even consider the internet being that. I really just need to take my phone, the drugs, the alcohol, and everything with it and throw it out the window. But as it all flew out I can't help but think that these things have slowly and successfully become who I view myself as, thinking of my name as the top sections of my twitter and instagram.

Sidenote: I am OKAY! I love you all and I really hope, if nothing else, someone can relate to these thoughts/feelings and realize you're not the only one