What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
It's cold tonight. It's been awhile since I've done something like this... So, I'm going to need you to stay with me. It may seem a little long-winded, and pointless... But I'm going to need a few minutes to warm up. Get used to talking like this before I can get to my point. Can you believe I used to do things like this all the time? It was less anonymous. Still kinda, but not really. I never had it associated with my face. But I would write. Cryptic, and not so cryptic things about my sadness. About things as immature as heartbreak. Can you picture that? Me? Crying over a girl? It seems so far away now. I wish I could cry over something so simple. But that's not what's got me tearing up lately.
And I'm sorry for my terrible grammar. My English Teacher used to tell me that I wasn't a good enough writer to start sentences with transition words like "but," and "and."
My only response was, "but I am."
I can be a little stubborn.
I guess that's what's going on right now. Okay, put down your drink. Let's get into the heavy stuff.
It was 2am when it happened. I got a call, that I didn't want to decipher. Since then, my life's been different in a way that I wasn't ready for. I told myself I was. But I lied. I think a huge part of grief in the beginning, before the death actually comes to pass, is lying to yourself. Yourself, your family. Them.
What else are you gonna say?
We can't beat this? Have fun in the nonexistent afterlife?
No. None of that. So I lied. I lied so fucking hard, that I convinced myself. And when it didn't work out the way we wanted-
Fuck.
It hurts.
It hurts to think that there was hope. Because if there was, then I failed to take advantage of it.
And this whole damn thing is my fault. I mean, it's my fault anyway, but still.
I had a dream that she was alive. Not bcus she beat the cancer, but because we had brought her back.
As ridiculous as it sounds...
But she was still suffering. And we were still taking care of her. It was so vivid. My mind was going wild trying to come up with ways we could save her this time.
Three times, I tried to catch myself. "This is a dream, stop it."
I didn't care, I just kept trying to help her. What the fuck.
When I got home, they still had the... Body... Laying there on the bed.
Fuck.
She deserved more dignity than that. I don't know what-
I couldn't face her.
They paramedics asked if I wanted time, and I said no.
Just get her out of here. That wasn't... I don't know.
My sister said it wasn't her. But I'm not sure I believe that. I do know that she wouldn't want to talk to me while she's in that state.
I told myself that... That I'd talk to her later.
Her urn. Something like that.
I don't know. It's been a month and I'm still telling myself that I haven't found the time. Fuck.
I feel so selfish.
I feel so bad for shutting down, and letting my sister handle everything.
But everytime I think about how I feel... A voice in my head says... What about your Mom? She ACTUALLY DIED. SHE'S ACTUALLY DEAD NOW, BUT SURE. YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS ARE WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
As bad as my struggle is, at least I'm still breathing.
I miss her. I miss her so much.
I miss her so much that I miss those dumb dreams where I'm taking care of her. How dumb is that?
You know, I just... It's not all bad.
I've been talking a lot positive almost nonstop since she passed. I think that's all you can do. Talk positive. Talk about all the love, and support you feel.
Bask in that shit.
Bask in it everytime someone says, "I'm sorry for your loss," or, "I'm here for you."
Because you need that.
And drowning yourself in those positive vibes, that's what's gonna keep the negativity away, and weaken it when it finally does come around to harass you.
I have so many friends and family who have my back.
We all told stories about my Mom: what a strong, and intelligent person she was.
I have an amazing girlfriend who has been my ROCK through all of this. She is my hero. She saves me every day, in so many different ways, and I tell her I love you at least 27 times a day, but it never feels like enough.
It's important to remember the love.
Tell your friends, and family that you love them.
Love is an all-powerful force. And it's not just their love that pushes me onwards. It's hers. My Mom knew I would do great things, and her love still echoes through me in the form of all the amazing life lessons she imparted to me before she passed.
I wish I had thanked her more for it. Maybe that's what I should talk to her about when I finally seek out her ashes...
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Truth Hurts Sometimes
I’ve been seeing someone for two years. After all we’ve been through, where I think we should be.... we’re not. As a mature woman and mom, I set a stand...
-
My Unsent Letter
Dear John*, It's been 324 days (but who's counting) and exactly a year since our first big fight that marked the beginning of the end. I've done a lot of thera...
This is very well written. You are a good writer. Thanks for sharing this.
Reply