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I'm so tired, I hurt I can't sleep any more my anxiety is only getting worse as well as my depression.
My anxiety used to be really faint I would once in a while get an anxiety attack but I'm getting one almost every day, some times more than once a day.
I feel like I'm dying from the inside and it hurt me so much my parents would never understand how there comments about my views hurt me. I'm gay and I have transgender friends both of my parents think it's wrong and they make fun of it and joke about how "stupid" it is. Right it in front of me not even realizing that there basically making fun of me and my friends.
"When are you going to get a boyfriend?" "which guy is hotter!" "don't you think he is cute!" "you'll future husband will love you!!!" all these comments it kills me but it's not all about me being gay.
Why do humans have to be so judgemental and rude, why is everything my fault why can't I make mistakes why can't I get angry or feel emotions I should be able to feel comfortable in my own damn house but I don't!
I try to leave the house as much as possible and those are the good days I can finally be myself with my friends I feel safe. I um have had a hard life at a young age my mom would have more boyfriends that I could count and a couple you're not so kind to me but once she got married and I became invisible he was her first priority I shoved to the side I knew her first why does he get the special treatment he acts like he is my father but he is not I wish he would just leave me alone and stop acting like he is in charge he is a stupid freeloader watching tv all day and my mom locks her self in her room on fucking facebook as I clean the whole house every day.
Even that's not good enough why can't I get some good damn praise once in a while, my mom will do nothing all day while I clean and she complains about having to cook dinner! Which is just either leftovers or chicken that is just plopped into the oven and then left to cook.
They act like I'm a child and I've been through so much more then they could ever imagine.
From a young age, boys would push me to do things with them. When I was 4 it started a boy about my age looked up my skirt. When I was 7 I boy made me kiss him, when I was 8-9 my stepbrother would convince me to touch him, when I was 11ish my grandfather tried to rape me, when I was in my early 13teens a my friends, friend forced us to make-out, when I was late 13teens I was pressured to have sex with my best friends brother that was 15. Mid 14teens a boy asked me out and I did not want to hurt his feelings but every time he kissed my I was mortified and uncounterable so I ended it. Right know I'm looking for a girlfriend and once I find her I will introduce her to my parents as my girlfriend. I'm not coming out because straight people don't have to come out so why should I.
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Your problem no longer needes to be the truth for you. It can now fade back to the nothingness from whence it came. You can do it. You are the only person who thinks in your mind. You are the power and authority in your world. You get to have whatever you choose to think.
Your thoughts and beliefs about your parents have created this condition. What you are now choosing to believe and think and say will create next moment and the next day, your future.. Choose wisely.
Stop for a moment and catch your thought. What are you thinking right now? If it's true that your thoughts shape your life, would you want what you were thinking right now to become true for you? If it's a thought of worry or anger or hurt or fear, how do you think this though will come back to you?
It's not always easy to catch our thoughts because they move so swiftly. However, we can begin right now to watch and listen to what we say. If you hear yourself expressing negative words of any sort, stop in mid-sentence. Either rephrase the sentence or just drop it.
Tell your parents that you love them. Show them love and affection, open yourself to them. Look at them and say: "I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive and set you free." Make sure that you feel safe when you say that. Practice looking yourself in the mirror. When you practice you can also say: I love myself. I approve of myself. I accept myself exactly as I am with the knowledge, understanding and awareness that I have now. Always remember to love yourself.
Take care.
Lots of love,
Ivan
x
ReplySorry for the things you have been through, but just simply wanna tell you there is at least a girl here that supports u.
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