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I’m happy regardless whether that’s with or without you. I’ve always told myself that the only way I’d be happy is if you were happy. But I learned the only person who will be there for me no matter the circumstances is myself. I don’t need anyone to make me happy, I should make myself happy, and I do. Truth is I was wrong this whole time. You never really cared for me the way I thought you did. You played and led me on. I hate admitting that because I thought you were different. You made it seem like I was hard to love, you pushed me away. I can’t even be friends with you. You have no good intentions. You blamed me for everything, you always made me feel ashamed for saying how I feel. If I ever expressed how I was feeling you would shut me down. Make me seem like I’m crazy, there was never any reassurance. I didn’t want much from you just your honesty and you could never be honest with me, EVER. I still think about you, heck I even dream about you. I’m not sad about losing you, I tried changing you and I should’ve known you can’t ever change someone not even for the better. You still have that little kid mentality, you’ve got a long way to go. During the process I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned you can’t change anyone not even for the better. No matter how good things may seem sometimes things are too good to be true.
How could someone just change their mind within a few hours and except the other person to just be okay… I’ll never quite understand that. Everything was going perfect then a few hours later you just drop everything?? How’d you expect me to cope with that and then you go and remove me from everything. Then you’re going to text me and ask if we can be friends. Of course we can’t how could I be friends with someone I can’t even trust. You see this whole time I thought it was my fault but I tried so hard to fight for you. You told me this was all because you wanted to see me but I tried so many times to see you and you stood me up time and time again. After the last time I gave up because I was tired of the disappointment. So sorry for not trying anymore. But if anything you pushed me away from you. You made me feel unloved and unappreciated. One of us was going to end it sooner or later.
I know the right person will come and I’m not rushing into anything, I’m very patient. I want to be able to connect with someone spirituality. I want someone smarter than me, I want to be able to learn new things, go new places, someone open minded like myself. I’m not afraid of love, I’m afraid of not being enough for someone. Whenever I feel like I’m not enough that’s when everything goes downhill. I think that’s another factor in every relationship I have.
I’ve been cheated on multiple times, I always leave right after. How could I go back to someone that did me so wrong? That would mean I have no self respect for myself. Heartache is such a horrible pain, I think the only person who has hurt me the worst is myself. I feed myself lies and feed into them and think of the worst so I could prepare myself for whatever i’m about to get myself into.
I know that I should be happy that I’m alive but there are some nights I just want it all to end, and I know that is such a selfish thing. But why do the closest people I let in hurt me. Why do I continue hurting myself? I know i am very strong, pain is only temporary. I’ve only been heartbroken once, it is such a horrible feeling. You feel like you can’t breathe and your heart aches and you have this horrible feeling in the bottom of your stomach. Everywhere you look you see them, you start remembering the all things you fell in love with. You feel like you no longer have control over your emotions, you don’t want to get out of bed, let alone the house. You’re listening to sad music reminiscing to all the songs that remind you of that person.
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i can totally connect to what u said.. cause the same happened with me.. i get any priority from that person.. but u know what the moment it happened.. i felt like why am i even living.. why is that it always happens with me.. but now i know.. actually it's a very tough time because everything reminds u of that person but eventually that pain makes u stronger from within.. u evolve as a better person.. u learn great lessons.. and moreover u get an experience so that u know what is right and how much better u deserve in ur life.. it makes u understand people better.. U Already are a very strong person!! I believe something very amazing will come ur way.. just don't stop loving.. IT makes u a better person.. and then sometimes u need low times to appreciate the happy times in ur life!!! wish u luck and love!! And always remember u are precious!!!
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