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Depression is like a black hole, everytime you find a little bit of light the black hole takes it in. The black hole is your mind, the black hole loves taking in any happiness you have. You may be happy sometimes, yes but then the black hole takes your happiness back in. It takes more and more, you then start trying to find other ways to be happy, hang out with friends, go see a movie. But when you do this you think about all the ways your friends may hate you. Maybe try going to a friends party??? But then there's other people there that are probably judging you for anything you say. So you try not saying anything, but then they get mad that you are ignoring them. So when you do say something to someone they think "Wow, how annoying" and you don't know how to get out of this loop. A forever loop in a black hole. Therapists dont help either, they don't know how you feel. They just go home and then they talk about how much money they're getting out of you. No one truely cares about how you feel. Everyone cares about money. You try going to sleep so no one can see you, so you don't have to talk to anybody. Then you stay awake thinking about all the reasons you shouldn't go to sleep. You then try to take sleeping pills, after a while they stop working because you've gotten used to them. When you finally do go to sleep you have to go to work, a job maybe? This is a never ending loop, you then pass out and then you wonder who will help you. No one. Because you think no one likes you. But then you do have someone who likes you, but when they like you you make them hate you because you always say "Do you hate me?" But they don't but after a while it gets annoying so they just stop talking to you. You go listen to songs and music to drown out all of your thoughts but the sounds aren't always enough. You keep hearing the voices in your head and it's hard. You still act fine around everyone and say "I'm fine" but im fine means "I'm lonely and I think everyone hates me" You can't say you're NOT fine though because they won't know how to say anything. Saying "How are you?" Is like saying hello, saying "Im not fine" Is like a goodbye. You try creating art to keep your mind off of things, but the voices in your head say "It's not perfect, nothing you do is perfect" and it's a never ending loop, you always think nothing you do is perfect other people LOVE your stuff and you don't understand how. You get a close friend maybe, you tell them how you have depression and everything you feel. They are like "Okay," And then you find out later on that they were talking about how you were an attention seeker and you're TOO happy to have depression. It's a facade though, you can act happy but you never are truely happy. They aren't around enough to see you CRYING over thoughts you have in your mind. They don't see your panic attacks, and they don't see anything. You try having a safe place? But then someone else finds it and ruins it. Everything that's nice is always ruined. You then think on your bed lying awake at 12:00 "I was such a happy kid, how did I turn into a worthless being?" You make things out of nothing, and try your best to get out of public places. Whenever you do go to public places you think of all the ways people could come from.
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