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Broken family (Story of abuse, depression and moving on)
5 years ago · 3 · Broken family, +21 · Explicit
968
Imagine yourself in this situation. You are a normal girl with a normal family, not knowing your family is anything but normal. Your father is a psychopath towards your mother, and you didn’t know until 12 years old. Not that hard for some people but hard for others. Well then. Imagine yourself as the girl in this story. You may feel bad for the girl, but what would you feel if you were the girl who went through something this awful. Here’s the story and you are not the father in the story. You are “I” and “Me” in this.
//
I was one years old when my mom and dad got a divorce. Me and my mom lived alone and broke for a while. And that's when my mom met you! You were my hero. My partner in crime. My hope. My new and loving father.
We moved in together and soon got a cat that i still have and love to this day. Everything was fine! You loved me and my mother very much. But hiding your true colors while you said you loved me.
You made me happy, but that happiness was all for nothing. 6 months later, your hand landed on my mom. I don't know why you did it. Did she do something wrong? Was it an accident? The hit was hard, causing my mom's skin turn blue. Was it bad? Is she hurt? I was too young to know. One years and a half. I just learned how to crawl! How was i supposed to stop your rage? Your pointless rage.
This became a routine. Mom would play with me, saying she loved me more than anything in this world. You did the same. But without honesty. Mom saying "I love you" had honesty written all over. But you saying, "I love you"?
We moved from city to city, house to house as i grew and grew. When i was a normal kid, slightly older and with a brother 3 years younger than me. We moved again for what must have been the 5th time. If anyone asked where i live today when I’m writing this i would respond: Everywhere and nowhere. I'll explain later what i mean by that.
The house was Beautiful and big. I liked it. We lived near a store as well. I thought: "This is where I’ll be living the rest of my life until i move out!" It was fine the time you, me and mom spent in that wine-red house. I also made some friend in school! School was okay, i didn't do bad but i wasn't the best! Either way, you seemed proud of me. But were you really that proud of my work and how i was raised?
When i was almost 10 years old, i would go across the street to my friend's. Playing the computer and chatting. I was just like any ordinary kid with her family! Sometimes i would be asked to go to the store across the street. And i did! Clean my room? I did..! Sleep at night? I did.. Do okay in school? I did......
Was that not enough for you? Did i screw up so bad you hated me later? What did you find wrong about me? Was it because i wasn't your real daughter? I called you "Dad", was it not enough?
But one day when i turned 7, you told me my brother had thrown my pillow on the floor and asked me to go pick it up. And i did. Opening my door with butterfly stickers that mom bought me, i saw it. A White bicycle. Just my size. It stood there, screaming to me: "Try it out now! It'll be fun!" No pillows were scattered across my floor. I gasped in shock and started to sob out of happiness. You and mom hugged me, wishing me a happy birthday. You took my gift in your arms and lifted it outside. I didn't pay much attention to how strong you really were. I should have but i was just so happy to finally have gotten a bicycle to even care. I learned how to ride it in a month and soon, i would jump onto it and go to friend's that lived further away.
That's when i found out we were moving again, this time to an old apartment. I missed my old house but i was fine to have a roof over my head at least. I didn't complain. We lived there for a long time. Then 5th grade kicked in. The gift you gave me was too small for me but i still kept it if my brother ever grew tall enough to use it.
And soon later into 5th grade. All hell broke loose and you showed us.. Your true colors.
You and mom started to fight. Saying bad things. Swearing. Yelling and sometimes even hitting stuff around you. One time, i was there when you and mom had an argument. I didn't know at first what it was about. But mom soon told me... That you and she are getting divorced. You were with me for nine years. And then you leave me? Will i ever see you again? What will happen to me? Will i stay with mom or you?
School became awful. I had constant panic attacks. I could barely breathe when around people. I did horrible in classes because i was not able to be in the same room as my classmates. One thing that kept me going, was drawing. My art skills were growing extremely fast. You seemed proud of my hobby! It boosted up my confidence by a lot. I was Always self-conscious about my body, voice and personality. I used to hide behind a poker face and when i was alone, i cried.. And cried..
You and mom fighting became a Daily routine. You had not moved out yet.. I started to go insane by the time i would hear and witness you and mom's arguments. I one day yelled/screamed at the top of my lungs out of frustration and despair..
"STOP FIGHTING!! PLEASE!!!"
You and mom went silent. She stayed and went into her room, shutting the door and you? You tried to Comfort me..! I believed once again that you were my hero. The one i could rely on. You said calmly to me:
"Please don't cry, sweetie.. I will talk to your mom. We will fix this. I'm sorry.. I love you!" You smiled and kissed my forehead, instantly calming me down. You left the apartment but i don't know where you went.
I felt safe with you.
The next day, the same shit happened again… You yelled horrible things at my mother before my own eyes. I once again yelled for you and her to just shut up. This time, my brother joined, he was crying while i was breathing heavily.
Instead of comforting me and your own biological son, you ran outside and didn't come back. Why? Aren't parents supposed to calm down and care for their children at situations like this? Were you so frustrated you couldn’t even look at us? Did you not care for us? Should we have remained silent instead of breaking up the ridiculous fight?
My brother and I stormed back into our rooms. Mom first went after my brother to comfort him. While I was doing something that would now become my new hobby... Something I never thought I would do but finally did it for the very first time... I loved it at that specific moment... It eased my pain of the inside…
I…
Cut my wrist…
I was so done with seeing my once peaceful family just… Break! Not only did I cut my wrist… I made it extremely infected…
It hurt like hell, but I liked the pain. When my brother calmed down, mom went to me next… And caught me with a loud yell: “(My name)!!! Stop!! Drop the knife immediately!!” I did. It fell onto my desk that was full of drawings. Ever since the first few fights, I had hidden that knife to one day, do something this... STUPID. She grabbed my other wrist and pulled me into the kitchen, wrapping me up with bandages.
“Don’t EVER do that again, dammit!!” She was terrified. Catching her own daughter cutting for the first time.
I nodded, thinking about what just happened.
Weeks went by and everything became even worse... Mom and you, decided to try again! It worked for a few weeks when you and she had cut into yours and her heads (mentally) that I was suffering from those ridiculous arguments.
Argument after argument… Fight after fight… day by day… I kept suffering more……... and more…...
I wanted so badly to try something new to be happy. So i dyed my hair red with permission to try and gain some self-confidence. And I was happy! My hair was the first thing that I started to love about myself! I got a lot of love in school people saying stuff like: “I’m happy you finally can love yourself, (My name)! You look awesome in red hair! Good choice”
I finally after so many years, felt like I fit in! Like I was a part of this world! Soon, I tried to participate more in classes. I dressed exactly like I wanted without being afraid! I ate fine. I went out for walks and played some sports. I had friends that I loved so damn much! I didn’t cut again! I let out my real silly and caring personality! I was happy. Extremely happy. And all because of my hair. Funny!
I posted my art on social medias to try to gain confidence in art and maybe work with it when I grow up. It went just fine the first days on SM and I soon “named” myself to try and be a bit more original:
Tr4shy.
That named described me a not. Instead of an A is a 4 and instead of just “Trash” I put an Y at the end. That is meant to show off that I like to be silly and mess around! Even when writing I like to joke around and smile. Trash because that’s how I used to see myself as. I felt hopeless. Like I was nothing. I not only drew ponies since I was proud of being a fan of MLP, I also got into drawing humans! I couldn’t really draw human ears for a long time, so most humans had elf ears (if their hair didn’t cover their ears).
I still post art there even to this day. I thought that finally I would be happy the rest of 5th grade and hopefully 6th grade as well. That’s all I needed to be back on track. I prayed that you would be proud of me. Proud of how much I had done. Because what I did and still do comes from my heart. I put my soul, care and love of my drawings. I don’t only use my brain to draw. I use my soul. My heart.
Was I wrong for believing you would be proud of some stupid artworks? Did you ever root for me? Did you mean it when you said: “Your art is amazing! I’m so happy to have a daughter with such talent and passion!”?
Of course, my happiness as a 11-year-old didn’t last long. You and mom planned a wedding in summer 2018. Some time after my birthday. I… Was not looking forward to it.
First off, you and mom fought ALL THE DAMN TIME. And over the most childish and smallest things in this world!
Second, don’t you think I cared? Whenever I say: “Goodnight, dad. Love ya!”
Did you say anything? Yes. But you didn’t give me the response I was hoping for.
“See you tomorrow. Go to sleep now. I have to work tomorrow.”
Was I not worthy of hearing the three words I said to you a thousand times? I said those three words every night, was it not enough for your suiting? Did you maybe want a hug instead? Or did you want to be left alone?
And last… I was worried. Will I lose my biological dad if you and mom get married? You said at first you were okay with me calling him my dad as well, but later you told me to call him by his name ONLY. Will I ever see him again?
When you left the apartment one day, you yelled in through the outside door and up the stairs…
“(My brother’s name)!! Come down and put on your shoes! We’re going to the playground!!”
Mom was at the balcony, calling her friend.
“(My name)!! Hurry the fuck up and come down! Forget your whore to mom, she’ll be too busy sleeping with other men!!” I heard you yell downstairs as you soon stumbled up and towards me.
That’s when I snapped, I dropped the dishes I was doing and mumbled the word he probably didn’t want to hear.
“(My name)!!! Now!!”
I had enough of your bullshit. I was done with you talking shit. I was not afraid to yell, I was not afraid to kick your ass. I was furious in that exact moment. I screamed so he could hear as clear as he possibly could. I screamed…
.
.
.
.
.
“NO.”
“Come on!! I’m not going to come back later to pick you up!”
“I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY NO. LEAVE BEFORE I THROW THIS DIRTY PLATE AT YOUR BALLS, DAD.” I was close to throw the dirty plate I was cleaning at you. But if I did, I would be in trouble. So, I screamed instead of using my hands.
Mom heard me scream at you. And yelled back for you to leave. You did, stunned at the threat I used against you, and drove mom’s car to the playground with (My brother’s name) ... And god knows what you did to that poor 9-year-old there...
shockingly, you and he came back safe and sound. I was happy my brother was safe, since I was scared you would hurt him when alone with him. It was my first time yelling and showing my anger and rage towards you. Also, my first time defending my mother after her being called a slut by her fiancé. By the one she used to love. By YOU.
Days went by, and the daily routines didn’t change much. Except one thing… I had cut a few times more… In secret, hoping to have not been caught. I cut because I believed it was all my fault my family broke apart completely. You found out one day… And had seen all my cuts. It was shaped by accident, but I didn’t mind. It was half of the sun and the light shining upwards and out. I saw it as a phrase.
“One day will be sun rise and like the sun, will my hope rise but will never got back down.”
You had informed mom about my cuts. And she ran out to get some air out of disappointment and sorrow. You stayed and called her, telling her that I was in tears, knowing I have hurt mom mentally by hurting myself physically. Mom didn’t return in a while. But when she did, she told me that I was going to get instant help at a therapist. I was… Happy! To finally get help and let my thoughts and feelings out to someone who really did understand me. But at the same time, my trust towards my dad increased because I thought you would be the last one standing up to me when everyone else had left me. I did regret a bit what I threat I had used towards you. I thought that I should make up for it and would later figure out how. Until then, all I could do was pray that what I believed was right and that my father wasn’t a bad guy. Since I had mixed feelings and vibes about him.
Although I was cut up and had bandages on my wrists, my confidence was perfect! I still wore what I wanted. I drew what I felt like. I showed my true, bright and calm colors. I was not gray anymore!
.
.
.
On the outside…
Because I will NEVER forgive you for what you did that first and second night of my first days as one year away from being a teenager.
5th grade ended. I was happy but will miss my friends a lot. At least I can get some time to recover, rest, come back and no longer represents the depressed girl I was before.
But I must wonder… You were supposed to leave months ago. Why did you stay? Did you really want to stay with me? Did you think that I would forget you? Did you love me enough to want to stay in my heart?
I always used to be home when I came home from school and sometimes even at nights. It was okay.
One night you and mom had sex (I heard everything jfc), were all soft with each and soon went to go to drive and ride some old cars. I can say right out that she looked beautiful, and I thought about how proud I was to have such a gorgeous mother. You and her seemed to have gone on a date like the perfect couple. You and mom seemed… Happy! I was confused by this but didn’t really care since I was chatting with a friend. You said goodbye but was stopped.
“Don’t fucking hurt mom or argue again, okay? Promise me.”
I spoke up. You promised. Pinky promised from the bottom of your heart.. The only person that currently would always understand me and support me held me entertained throughout the night. Me and her would send funny pictures and videos to each other. And when I was home alone, I could giggle at them without being told to ‘shut the fuck up’.
Hours went by.. And I started to worry.
What if something happened? What if you hurt her? What if..-
.
.
.
.
.
I wasn’t there when it happened. I was reminding myself to be ready if shit went down. But my thoughts were cut off when I heard the door open and soon walked to the stairs and looked down, welcoming you and mom home. You said hi and walked up the stairs, going to yours and moms’ room. That gave me time to say hello to my mom… She was leaning against the door, crying. I immediately spat it out in a hit of concern, anger and pure seriousness in my tone of my voice.
“Dad. Why is mom crying?”
You looked at me and said it like it was nothing. “Your mom is sad because she got caught being a slut. Leave her alone. She’s disgusting!” I questioned over and over if I heard that right.. You called her a slut. Correct?
My last urge to stand back and not get involved was shattered. Your ass will be kicked by this 12-year-old one way or another, was all I thought after progressing what you said about my mother eye to eye with me.
Mom has collapsed behind her and your bed, crying and vomiting. You were on the phone, talking shit about mom. She was crying for forgiveness and a second chance. Repeated that she ‘didn’t do anything’ and ‘please give me a chance to explain’. She was begging. On the floor. For something she doesn’t need in her life but trying to believe she needed you to survive, while you were talking shit about her on the phone with a friend.
I didn’t have control of myself. Of my voice. Of my thoughts. Of my body. And on my attitude.
Mom protected me for 11 whole years. Now it’s my turn to protect her.
The argument and fight I had with you. Was something I’m questioning if I did the right thing, I was not even a teen yet. But I couldn’t give two shits if I should have stayed silent. I needed to save her. My mother.
.
.
.
.
“Get out.”
I said. The only thing I wanted you to do, is get the fuck out.
You looked at me, put the phone away and hung up. “What? What did you say to me?”
I made myself heard. I was full of anger, rage and disappointment. You broke the promise. The trust I had for you had vanished. Break a pinky promise that me and someone else make, that person is dead meat. Mentally and MAYBE physically.
“GET. OUT.”
You seemed shocked at my attitude and went to mom to say some more bullshit. I noticed and immediately rushes before you.
I stood at the doorframe, blocking your way and held my hand out so you could not get pass me. I was taking advantage of what you knew ever since you met me.
You would never hurt me physically.
You could have hit me there and then but knew you can’t do shit against me. I knew you could have landed a hit of my chin, pushed me aside or even kicked my leg.
But I didn’t care. I wasn’t scared of getting hurt. I feared my mom getting hurt.
She was on her knees, pleading for you to listen and understand that it’s not what you think. She never did anything offensive of anything bad in general. My mom was on her knees. For you. It was a horrified sight.
What did you do to her?! What the fuck made her go on her knees for you?! Just leave this home and NEVER come back!! You broke the promise, including my trust and love for you! GET OUT.
You yelled at her one last time, not daring to push past me. You didn’t even tell me to back off. But. You asked me the dumbest question I have ever heard.
“Why are you defending her, (My name)?!”
I said back a final sentence that I truly meant. I said it with pure honesty.
.
.
.
“Because I love my mother two times the size of Saturnus more than your bullshit, (Dad’s name)”
You walked off and went to your phone again. Talking shit about mm to your so called “Friends”.
That night, I got mom a glass of water, a towel and soothing words. Me and her slept in Yours and her bed, hugging each other. Knowing that we will forever be grateful to have each other. My brother was asleep in his daycare, so we didn’t have to worry that he heard or saw what happened and is traumatized. We call it a daycare since it reminds us of one but it’s at the same time as a second home. Where kids with mental disorders sleep, live, etc.
My brother has ADHD and Autism and that night he slept there, thank god. If he would have heard or seen what happened… I don’t know if he would ever be the same supporting and goofy boy I love.
You slept on the couch that night, not saying goodnight and of course not “I love you”. And that night, you didn’t deserve a “I love you” from me either. But mom and I shared those three words, happy to at least have each other.
A few days passed, my birthday was approaching fast. I was exited! I prayed that me, mom and my brother could do something fun together without you. But…
It did not happen. Apparently, we didn’t have the money to do something fun that we were planning before the car ride incident. I was confused and a bit disappointed. I was looking forward to it but eh. I guess mom and you didn’t get paid just yet. It can wait. When my birthday arrived. Everyone was anything but happy and cheerful. Yes, they were happy for me but… Mom was still heartbroken…
And you did something I disgusted from the bottom of my heart.
I woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth and saw you on the couch, watching tv. You looked at me with a smile and wished me a happy birthday, handing me a package. I opened it and saw amazing pencils that I back then loved a lot since they were the best ones I had so far. With those pencil I got a sketchbook that worked perfectly with the markers, didn’t stain and such. And a line art pen. I was stunned and grateful! I thanked you and… gave you a hug. You hugged back…! I was confused why you did… And then you said it.
Yes, I was grateful. But my mood switched like a light switch from cheerful to full or rage.
“Hope you like them! They were expensive so I hope you’ll use them until they run out of color! I love you so much, (My name). Happy birthday.” You said with a smile.
I didn’t respond. What you said next? All I can say in response is five simple words.
“At least I got my daughter something. What did you get for (My name), slut?” You yelled at my mom. I heard her start crying from her room as she shut the door and cried for what felt like forever.
I growled, getting his attention. I smiled then got an angry look at the two last words glancing over at mom’s and your room.
“Thank you, now fuck off...” I walked into my room and flopped down onto my bed, staring at the ceiling.
What a nice birthday I had! I knew this would happen. I’m an idiot for believing I would get to spend time with a happy and normal family like every other 12-year-old does. Why can’t I just be normal?!
It was spring, the snow was gone so I decided to go out of my hoverboard that I got for my 11th birthday. When I came back in, you and mom were arguing yet again. I didn’t have energy to do something to I left my hoverboard in my room, charge it, go outside… And stop at my closed door..
Why are you yelling down?! What the crap was that breaking sound?!! Oh no..!!!
I burst out the door just in time to find you.. having a tight grip of my mom’s wrist.. yelling and screaming at her. I froze and started shaking.
You used to tell me you would never hurt my mom.. Bullshit. I just caught you having a grip of her.
I finally screamed…
“STOP!! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER!!!”
I was terrified. I wanted to punch you.. I wanted to kick you. I had the urge to hurt you in so many ways. That’s when mom yelled. “(My name)! Call 911!! Now!!”
I snatched the phone off my desk and dialed 911 while staring in horror as you noticed I was going to expose your crime. I heard a woman ask me what my emergency was and before I could say anything, you walked up to me like a tiger, ready to attack it’s prey.
“Hang up, (My name)!! Now, or else it won’t be pretty..!!” I was scared. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do so I did what you said. I hung up and handed you the phone without you asking me to. You grabbed my phone and tossed it onto my desk.
Were you really planning on hurting me? I doubt. Hurting me and you’re messing with the entire neighborhood.
I have always been well known and popular in my neighborhood. People in my neighborhood always act when something bad approaches me in any way possible. Even if I may not need it. I have been the “Artistic wolf”. I was called that because I’m an artist and I can be intimidating but I can also be chill in fights at times. But there and then.. I was honestly more afraid and shaky than I’ve ever been in my life. I know how to fin fights but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t stand up for me or my mom. And for that, I felt weak. I felt like I just lost my pride. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But I didn’t. I gathered the little bravery I had inside me to walk to the stairs to see you saying one final threat before leaving. I couldn’t hear what you said.
You swung the backpack on your back and puts on a helmet. Mom ran back upstairs to me, she was shaking with tears streaming down her cheeks. I heard an engine go on and it soon faded away.
I knew it. You had taken the motorcycle and drove off. But will you come back?! What do I do?! What about my brother?! Are you going to pick him up at the daycare and possibly hurt him?! Keep him captured or under your control?!
“(My name), we need to call the cops!!”
I nodded and grabbed my phone, handing it to mom. She called 911 and spoke while I saw the damage you caused..
My mom’s phone was completely broken. A mirror downstairs was fucked up. The balcony door windows were shattered into a million damn pieces. The router to our internet was ash in my eyes.
I was shaking, feeling dizzy and had a pale face. Mom noticed and put me on the sofa, in the corner of it to keep me a bit safer if you came back. She wrapped me up in a blanket and gave me a glass of water. Soon she returned to informing the cops what happened.
I drank a bit and calmed down, taking deep breaths and trying not to pass out. I luckily didn’t and soon calmed down, trying to stay strong and collected. A panic attack or someone fainting is the last thing we need. The police were on their way and mom tried to contact her friends to keep up protected while we waited for the real help to arrive.
“(My name), I can’t get in touch with (Friend 1) or (Friend 2)..! I know this may sound terrifying, but I want you to run and get (Friend 1) Since she’s the closest from here! If you hear a motorcycle and you’re close to our door, run as fast as you can inside and lock the door. If you’re far away from home, run as fast as you can to (Friend 1), if the door is not locked, run inside and lock the door. I’m going to stay here if the cops arrive before you come back. If you see (Father’s name) outside from (Friend 1)’s windows, then hide inside! Run!”
I nodded, fighting the fear that was constantly running across my mind. I put on my shoes and went outside, closing the door behind me. I had never been so scared of being outside in my life before. I looked around for any sounds of a motorcycle and soon ran to (Friend 1). I didn’t bother to care that my lungs were burning due to the tiny amount of oxygen I was receiving while running. I reached her door and knocked, ringing the doorbell a couple of times out of pure panic. She opened quickly and saw me shaking and gasping for air.
“(My name)! Are you okay?! You’re so pale! What happened?”
I explained what I saw you do towards me and my mother. And that you had left the apartment, no one knowing where you are and if you’re going to come back. (Friend 1) started shaking and pushed me inside, slamming the door and locking it. She asked me for more details which I gave her. Sadly, I didn’t know exactly everything that happened…
“Mom tried to call you, but I don’t have your number on my phone and (Father’s name) destroyed the internet so she couldn’t call you on messenger or Snap!” I let out with the bravest and fearless voice I could make but lacked on the word: Fearless. My legs were shaking, my breathing was fast both from running and what you did, I was holding back my tears to form correct words. “She called the police and is still at home!”
Without me having to ask (Friend 1) If she could come to us to create a barrier of protection to make sure you won’t do any more damage than you already have, she called down her husband. We three ran to mom again and I prayed that you hadn’t come home before the cops arrived and I wasn’t there.
A relief rushed through me when I entered the apartment and saw no motorcycle or you anywhere. I went up the stairs and hugged mom tightly. That’s when I started to cry. I didn’t cry when you left but now, I felt safe enough to let it out. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
(Friend 1) hugged mom as I let go and went back to sit on the sofa. Mom was crying in (Friend 1)’s shoulder while being comforted. (Friend 1)’s husband went to ask me if I was okay, if I needed anything. Soon came his wife and hugged me as well, telling me that I was brave to go outside and even run behind the building to get to the one behind. Mom even told me that she didn’t think I would do it. That I would be too afraid to step my foot outside the door frame. And that she was proud of me. Extremely proud. And proud to be my mother.
Mom showed (Friend 1) the damage you did while her husband tried to cheer me up with jokes and funny stories. It helped, until we heard the doorbell ring and three hard knocks followed.
You are here, aren’t you?! Please, mom…!!! Don’t answer the door!! I know it’s you!! Please, no….!!!!
I was violently shaking and hugging my knees under the blanket, breathing heavily.
The person at the door was…
(Friend 2)…!
Mom let her in and hugged her tightly, sobbing a bit and explaining what happened. She told mom while hugging her she was informed about what happened by (Friend 1)’s husband through text. Mom went upstairs with (Friend 2). (Friend 2) Saw me and was horrified… She came protect mom. And that was my goal as a 12-year-old ever since the car incident.
That’s when mom said it.
You were on your motorcycle, driving to god knows where.
And you were extremely drunk…
I believed mom was the drunk one since she vomited so much… But it was you who was the drunk one.
A while later, we heard another knock. Once again, I froze, shaking and almost crying.
If all of mom’s friends are here… No one called someone else here… You can’t be-
When I saw the people dressed in blue walk up the stairs with mom, I felt safer than before and my thoughts was cut off.
The cops had finally arrived.
They were in the kitchen, speaking to my mom and being informed of what happened. I was in my room, being cheered up my mom’s friends. They were all adults, so they didn’t really know what currently was trendy in humor, but I had a good laugh either way. Later, the cops went out to search for you. Mom’s friends and she started cleaning the mess you created. That’s when I noticed something scary to me.
Two holes in the walls…
I knew you were strong but holy shit..
I was laying in mom’s bed while they were cleaning since I was not allowed to ‘inspect’ the damage you created. It would only scar me more. I look over to the nightstand and found a letter. Out of curiosity I read what it said.
It was a poem.. By mom.
To you..!
While reading It I got flashbacks of when mom literally went on her knees for you when I read how much she loved you. That she wanted to spend the rest of her life with the man of her dreams. Mom saw me reading it and snatched it, crumbling it up.
“(My name), I know.. I was extremely wrong. You must think I was blind, not seeing how many scars you received when he was in our lives. Please do me a favor…” I nodded, but soon stilled at her request.
“Don’t feel like this is your fault. It’s never the children’s fault things like this happens.. Okay, dear?” She asked with hope of me responding with one simple word. And I did.
“Okay..!” I said. Smiling a bit, getting up and giving her a hug.
Mom smiled and hugged back then went back to cleaning. Soon she returned with a hard choice..
“(My name)… Do you want to sleep here tonight or at (Friend 1/2)?”
I thought for a moment.
Do I want to stay in my home that is falling apart mentally and somewhat physically? Or do I want to stay at her friend’s house and leave mom alone, knowing that I will fear you come back and I’m not here to protect my mother that I dearly love?
“I want to stay here with you. This is my home and I don’t give two shits if it’s a bit broken. I live here and while I do, I will be grateful to even have a roof over my head and not care about the scars it has. Besides, I think it’s a lot safer here since the apartment is guarded well.
Mom’s friends went home, giving us a hug before leaving. Me and mom slept in hers and your bed, her arm around shoulders, ‘protecting’ me even asleep.
I woke up, did my daily morning routine and saw mom putting on her shoes. She told me we were going to (Friend 1) to talk about something and that the police know it. I didn’t know this first, but cops were not only patrolling our apartment. But the entire neighborhood as well.
I put of my shoes and was told to take with me some paper and pencils, so I did. Me and mom quickly walked to (Friend 1) and before I knew it, I was drawing in the kitchen while mom and her friend talked. The mom got a notification on my phone.
Mom looked at the message she had received and instantly showed (Friend 1). She walked up to me and sat down on a chair across the kitchen table. I looked up from my drawing and saw mom’s worried look but with a mix of the “Ha, bitch.” Look.
“(My name)” She started.
.
.
.
“(Father’s name) Is in the hospital.”
My eyes widened.
Did you crash?! Are you alive?! Did you break anything?! What exactly happened?!
Days went by. Me and mom had a bag full of your clothes since yours were useless now due to how ripped up and dirty they were. Mom wanted to go alone… But I wanted to come with. I can’t believe I was do FUCKING STUPID..!!
I… Felt bad for him. Having found out that you tried to take your own life. You tried to drive into a car but failed and soon drove over a herd of cones. You succeeded but went to slow down the speed since you were driving WAY past the speed limit. You turned the motorcycle too far and fell off. You landed on your back and glided far away due to the extreme speed. If that backpack hadn’t been on your back, you could have lost your life. You didn’t die and was saved by a kind man. You broke two ribs, and one collar bone. Bruises and scratches covered your body like the blanket covered mine. Your face however was free from pain and survived just fine. You had texted me explaining what happened. And that you hope I find a better dad. It broke me when I saw the text for the first and last time. I felt like I didn’t have a dad anymore…
You were supposed to be there for me. You were once my idol, the shoulder to cry on, the one I could share things like pranks I pulled on mom and you had to keep it a secret. What happened? Why did you become so… Aggressive and scary? Did I do something wrong that made you turn your back on me? Was it because I loved you so much and you saw it as a fun little game to take advantage of it? Was it because I took advantage of the fact that you are incapable of physically hurt me or lay a hand on me?
I wanted to be the best of a daughter I can be and felt sorry for you. In the car, I drew a picture for you. It was two hands that formed a heart and I wrote on the bottom:
“You are loved, even if you don’t think so”
At the (giant fucking labyrinth where you always get fucking lost like me and mom) hospital, I took a deep breath before entering your hospital room. I gasped quietly.
Your scars, scratches and bruises are what shocked me the most. I can only imagine that it hurts to even move an arm to pick up a fork. It’s a pain in the butt (literally for u tho), I can tell. I started crying, feeling sympathy towards you. After some talk, I was sent outside while you and mom talked. I could hear mom telling you that texting me that you hoped I find a better father, really hurt me. Time passed and you were getting out of the hospital.
And that day, I committed a crime. A crime not everyone can understand. It was a crime that I am to this day, punishing myself for doing it.
I wished I had kept my mouth shut. But I was worried. You were so hurt you could barely move. So, I said it.
.
.
.
“I want him to stay with us until he heals. He doesn’t deserve to be alone is such pain.”
I soon started to regret it. You didn’t seem grateful. You weren’t happy that I did it for you because I felt sorry for you. You kept pushing your soon to be adopted daughter, your ex and your biological son around like we were nothing to you. You even pushed us apart. Me and mom argued a lot. I started feeling hatred towards my own brother and he did the same with me. The only living creature that could comfort me was our cat, Nisse. But soon you started abusing him as well.
That’s when I finally opened my eyes. I remembered things that you did and made me forget.
When I was younger, I didn’t want to eat before going to sleep. You became furious. I went down the stairs and got into my shoes. I’m going to mom since she’s at work. I highly doubt he’ll hurt (Brother’s name) since he’s so young. I can’t stay here now...! I looked down to tie my second shoe, and heard you yell “Fucking brat” at me. My eyes went up and I saw you throw a metal pole directly at me without hesitation. It landed just before my feet. I backed up and screamed, running outside to my mom’s job.
When I got a bit older, you were mad at me for something harmless I did and grabbed a towel and shoved it down my throat, almost killing me. Mom had come home from work and you acted like nothing happened.
When my brother has just learned to speak, he had done something, and you locked him in his room for god knows how long. I found the key that you did not hide well and let my poor brother out.
Just a few months ago my brother had been watching tv and left to play with his toys. You start to watch tv and get so mad for something unknown and breaks it. My brother goes back to the tv to find it broken. He is confused like hell and you start to blame it on him. I came home from school, went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and you go inside as well. Holding one of my brother’s toys. He was screaming, begging for you not to break it. You grab a knife and aims it at the toy. Mom walks in, both me and her yelling for you to stop. You didn’t… The knife was brought down multiple times. (Brother’s name) Was screaming and crying violently. He didn’t even do it. He was framed. You threaten to cut up more of his toys if he breaks something else. I had the want to punch you but decided to comfort my brother instead.
I can list up a thousand more things he did but that would take another day to write.
You were still recovering from your injuries.
And now comes the main reason I have been suicidal. The night I will never forget. That night my mom had gone out to see her friend who just happened to be a male. Your entire body was filled with rage, jealousy and hatred. You left me home alone and noted my words. “Don’t you fucking dare to hurt mom.” You met up with mom at the parking lot at 23:00. I was still awake but pretended to be asleep.
Going into detailed is too much for me so I’m going to short what happened down by a lot.
You forced mom to drive where she didn’t want to.
You had broke mom’s phone in half when you didn’t find proof that mom was cheating when she wasn’t.
You had grabbed her arm and pulled the steering wheel to the side, just barely into the fence on the bridge.
You had made her drive into a forest, looked around and told her that you had a gun hidden in a bush and you were either to shoot mom’s male friend before her eyes or take his own life.
You called her horrible things.. Such as: Slut, whore, idiot and much more.
You started to kick the car and even kicked mom on the leg… After that she still had a giant fucking bruise and had it for what felt like months.
You drove past the speed limit and kept telling mom that you and she are going to die.
This went on from 23:00 to 03:00…
I was chatting with a friend and heard the door open. I knew I would be yelled at for being awake, but I wanted to know if mom was okay, so I didn’t give a shit. I looked down the stairs and see you walking up them, telling me to go to sleep already. I didn’t. I looked downstairs and see mom.. Leaning against the wall, crying and wiping her tears with her hoodie.
That was it. I lost control of thinking before acting and did what my heart told me to do. Or, demanded me to do.
I glared, spoke in a serious voice and was ready to give you a bitch slap that’s hard enough to break your jaw and leave a pink handprint for the rest of my life as 12-years-old.
“Why is mom crying..?! What did you do?!”
You didn’t seem to care much.. Like mom was nothing to you.
“She’s crying because I caught her being a disgusting slut and hanging out with another man. Ignore her.”
“I know that’s not all!! Tell me what happened!! I’m not afraid to call 911 on you!!”
You ignored me and started talking shit to mom until she went to shower away her make up. You were soon on your phone, talking shit about mom. I didn’t want to hear you say another word about my mom again, so I told you to shut up and leave. You did. For a while… Mom came out of the shower, got dressed and walked up to me.
“(My name), We have to flee this apartment tomorrow immediately..! (Father’s name) has a gun hidden and was going to shoot! We must flee! Don’t say anything to him and pack your things now..!! We’re leaving tomorrow!” I was in shock and my face had an expression out of pure horror. I packed my bag.
//
Now, think for a second. How would you react if your father had threatened mom that he would shoot someone, and you didn’t know it happened? Would you react like the girl reacts? Would you do something else? Tell me what you would do if it happened to you.
//After packing my stuff, I was with mom in her room, trying to get answers about what we are exactly going to do. Run? Drive? Bus?
The next morning you entered the apartment and went upstairs. Me and mom had gone into the kitchen, mom sitting in the corner on the wall on a chair, holding my phone close to make sure we have contact with the outer world. Even though you didn’t want us to.
What did I do when I heard you? I stood up, before mom as a shield… I wanted nothing else but to defend her. Mom had gone through so much shit already. She had me at 18, was cheating on, forced to another child, reminded everyday about being something she’s not even close to being, and now is being abused by the one she once truly loved. She did everything she could to make me, my brother and you happy. She doesn’t deserve any more crap from you.
This shocked me a little, but I didn’t move. You walked up to me, looking intimidating. You thought I would get scared and step aside. I did everything but back away and fear you.
You reached over and grabbed the keys to your car and turned to walk away but stopped. You said one last swear word at mom that I backfired.
“Your mom is a slut...”
“Yep. She fucked every man in this town expect you. She has some standards after all.”
I heard mom hold back her laughter.
You acted like you didn’t hear me and walked to the closet and pulled out a small object, holding it close in your palm and soon left. Soon mom got a call from (Friend 2)
Mom started to sob, and so did I. Mom’s friend had been informed by you about what you did all called the police. They are on their way. These were sobs as a sign that we truly are lucky to have an amazing neighborhood that care for us.
They arrived to record mom telling them what had happened, and this is the second time you had have cops after your guts.
And that’s when I started to feel peace when we packed our things and got into the car.
Panic filled the car after a while…
My brother.. He’s at the daycare.. You had messaged mom/me if you were going to pick him up… That’s when everything went from peaceful to horror in one second. I was terrified of what might happen to my brother if you get to him before us. The panic stopped when the police told the daycare to get him ready to leave. The staff got him ready but didn’t tell what happened. He was nine… He had mental disorders.. He wouldn’t understand what happened if he did tell him there and then in the car. I was scared that I had lost my brother so the car ride away, I was holding an arm around him. So happy he was with us in the car and not with you.
We lived in a house, hidden and was soon sent to an apartment where we would stay until we find our own place to call “home”. We had a secret ID, and no one knew where we lived. One thing that kept me going though.. Was drawing! I drew more and more. Mom was happy I found something to keep me entertained. I didn’t complain about not being allowed to go outside or not having my own phone for a long time. I was just happy to be safe. But I was praying to one day be set free.
//
Now, take a moment to think. After everything this girl went through.. Do you think every person who goes through this would even do something they used to like? This girl is traumatized. She was scared for a long period of her life. But she still managed to draw! Do what she liked! Do you think that’s a big step for someone ho has gone through something like this or maybe something similar?
If you were the girl in this story, would you have the strength to do what you loved or perhaps try something new?
//
Hours became days. Days became weeks. Weeks because months. Mom was still looking for somewhere me, her and my brother could live and grow up and call “home”.
One day, a month before the miracle, came beautiful news.
Mom walked up to the door that rang and opened. It was two girls that had let us stay in the apartment and helped us through rough times. One of the girls hugged mom and talked to her a bit. The other hugged mom as well but walked up to me. I looked up from my drawings and said hi with a smile.
“(My name), do you miss being outside? Are you scared of going outside?”
“What?! No! I miss being free to go on walks! I miss being told to go to the store that I normally would hide my annoyance of!”
She smiled brightly and patted my back. “A woman named (Made up name) Lizzy has worked with people who are traumatized. She’s willing to help you! You two won’t sit down and talk but you two will do fun activities to brighten up the mood in the family!”
I said yes immediately. All summer have I been trapped so it’s amazing to just go out and get hot chocolate or something.
Lizzy was extremely sweet and funny! He laughs made me laugh. She was my best friend. I didn’t care about why exactly she was there to go on walks with me, see a movie with me. She was a close friend. When I felt like someone was stalking me, she would react and ask if I wanted to go home or if I perhaps wanted to get ice cream. She made me smile. And my smile that was once fake, was now out of pure happiness. And I’m truly grateful for the weeks I got to spend with her. Her smile was printed onto my once fake one. And I hoped that my smile will soon be printed onto mom’s and my brother’s current fake ones.
And one morning, I was on the balcony, humming a song with my headphones on. My mom came out, more excited than ever and a smile she rarely showed nowadays. I took off my headphones and giggled.
“Jeez, why so exited? Did something happen?”
“One week left, (My name)!! We got the apartment!!”
A rush of excitement and happiness ran through me. I screamed out of happiness and hugged mom, crying happy tears.//
She held onto hope and her smile. And now that smile will be kept. Because finally…
She has a place to call “home”!
Would you be as happy as she was if you were her?
//
2019-03-4
I’m sorry I couldn’t keep the smile I had before.. I’m so worn out that I’m numb to happiness.. (Abusive father’s name) got what he wanted… I give in… (New father’s name) doesn’t deserve a daughter that constantly does self-harm and looks up drugs on her spare time… I no longer draw… I no longer sing… I no longer smile..
I thought I was strong, but I’m tired of being strong. Does (New father’s name) really love me? I know he’s not like that asshat but he has never been a father before.. He doesn’t deserve a daughter that wants to die so fucking badly! I’m sorry.. But I’m not the Artistic wolf I used to be.. (Abusive father’s name)’s actions have been planted into me.. I’m not colorful.. I can’t move on.. I was the cause of this, wasn’t i?
-(My name)
//
After some time when her mom is together with a new man that the girl really loves, she can’t help but believe that he doesn’t deserve a child that wants to die.
Is she wrong for thinking this? Was she really the cause of that mess? Does she deserve happiness? Should she keep cutting?
//
2019-4-25
My brother’s birthday is coming up. And in one month is the ‘devil’ out of jail.
What the fuck as I doing.. I’m NOT the cause of what happened! The asshat is!
By hurting myself, I gave him what he wanted! Do I want to be thrown around like a doll? NO.
If I die, will I be okay with mom and dad getting a divorce? NO.
Will I be okay with my friends going into depression because I’m not there anymore? NO.
Does my brother deserve to grow up with a sister that killed herself for something the asshat did? NO.
In one month will my devil horns grow!! I’m done with being sad! I’m done letting him win!
I played him game! I won!
He’s now playing my game! He lost miserably! Want to play another game? Sure! I’ll play his fucking game. But be careful. He put me down and tried to make me weak, but instead of making me weak, I grew strong!
What game will he play with me? Doesn’t matter.
I put you down and if you get back up you win? Sure! Keep telling me how much of a worthless bitch I am. Because in the end. I’m going to tower over you and say.
Game over, mother fucker.
-(My name)
//
You may be questioning, was this worth my time? Why did you even spend all day writing this?
You imagined that you were the suicidal and abused girl here, correct?
You imagined you were me.
This story was written by the girl behind a screen who went through everything you just read.
The questions? Is what I question myself every day.
But there’s one question I want answered..
Did I do the right thing when my mom was suffering?
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I don't know. I don't know the answers. I'm sorry. Are you okay?
ReplyI sadly cannot find my user name and stuff so i'll write it like this.
I am okay now! But i still do wonder if i did the right thing.
Would you do what i did in that situation?
ReplyTo be honest, I don't know. I'm having a hard time myself. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you need me, I'm here.
Reply