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i was raped on the night of my high school graduation. so i went to a small party with a few friends and some strangers. i had just gotten out of the shower and changed into a t-shirt and sweats. everyone was in tight dresses and revealing tops but it was too long of a day for me to want to dress up, so i put on my comfy clothes. i had a lot to drink and the whole night was a blur. i remember going upstairs and laying in bed with my ex girlfriend who was already asleep. i remember this guy who kept trying to get me to drink more and more. i said no but he picked me up and brought me over to the vodka punch bowl. i was so drink i could hardly stand. he forced me to drink more by putting a shot in his mouth and smashing his mouth against mine to spit the alcohol down my throat. that's when i completely lost memory except for a few glimpses. next thing i knew he had locked me in a bathroom. a group of guys broke the door down and brought me back to the room and told him to leave me alone. i fell asleep with all of my gal friends. i woke up alone in the room with the guy standing over me naked. i can't remember what happened next and i don't know why my friends left me there. but they did. i must have passed out because i woke up the next morning alone with no pants or panties on. i couldn't swallow. my throat was so swollen and it was covered in bruises and welts. my body was sore and there were cuts and bruises on my vagina, anus, hips, breasts, thighs, arms, legs, and my stomach. i was rushed to the hospital because my throat began to close in. i had been strangled and beaten. the hospital rape kit was humiliating and scary. they took semen samples from inside of me. i was horrified that i was no longer a virgin. i wanted to wait to lose my virginity on my wedding day, but that didn't happen. i tried contacting my friends. i had no one and i was afraid. they must have known what had happened. they all blocked me. it's been 11 months and i still haven't been able to get ahold of them.
now i have horrible PTSD. i have turned into someone i never was before. i hate everything and everyone and i want to hurt people. i am not myself. i am angry and sadistic and pessimistic and miserable. i don't know what to do. i want to be my old self again. but i have changed so much.
please help me. i have hurt so many people. i want to go back to who i was. but i've changed so much. i need help.
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Please know that this is not your fault. Please see a therapist because that will help you. I'm forever sorry but also know that you are not alone
ReplyYou really need to contact your friends abd know what actually happenned and visit therapist it would help you
ReplyFirst, seek therapy.
And if your friends turned their backs on you, they have a quota of guilt in this not you.
Reply1, none of this is your fault.
2, if your friends aren't willing to be there for you, don't give them a second thought. They aren't worth contributing to your pain. Maybe they feel guilty about what happened. Maybe they're embarrassed. Whatever the reason, it's not worth it.
3, Talking about it often helps. Look into local support groups. You aren't alone in this. No one has the "same experience" but other people have felt what you are currently feeling. Take solice in that company. Being around people in a support group can give you healthy outlets and suggestions of what helped them start to heal.
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