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I'm writing to you because I don't know who else to talk to that'll understand maybe just a little bit of what's going on in my head.
I'm lacking the support one gets from a good friend and you used to be it.
I cut myself again last night. I cried historically for 2-3 hours last night while my fiancee gave me a lot more than just a taste of my own medicine.
It's now morning and I'm wondering if I should cover up my arm from my one year old who probably won't remember.
I cried more because I didn't want to do it again but the pain on my arm collided with the pain inside and it felt good.
It's a physical pain.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."
I'd rather be beaten to a pulp than sit drowning in hurtful words circling like a whirlpool inside my head.
That'll make you wanna hurt yourself anyways.
On another note, is it possible to resent your child but love them so much at the same time?
I only got pregnant because he already had two kids. I being the youngest child and never being around babies took to the idea like buying a puppy.. temporary and only there for so long. Even though I'm not that dumb, for some reason forever and permanent life change didn't cross my mind as much as it should of.
I was at the point of not knowing if I'd even want to hold her when she was born. I was scared.
From the moment the doctors took her out via C-section to leaving the hospital she was in my arms. I couldn't and wouldn't sleep unless she was in my arms, the hospital bassinet was just too far and the nurses hated me for it because of the dangers of co-sleeping. She slept in my arms until she was 5 months.
What I don't understand or know is how can I resent or regret her when I love her so much?
My fiancee says it's not her but the life change, and he's probably right. At 24 I wasn't ready to give up my body, life, or, freedom. For some reason I can't get over it. Maybe it's because at this moment I can't tell you the last time I went outside.
I look at the door as if within these walls I'm safe, I'm hidden from the world. My self-esteem has crashed and fallen through my feet so far so that I took pregnancy as my life being over.
It's amazing how much motivation someone has until it's really gone.
Who would of thought it takes motivation to shower.. I didn't until reaching this point of "there's no point."
I just want someone I can relate to. Someone to talk to other than my fiancee and one year old day in day out.
I'm sorry but people need friends, not just a lover.
This was supposed to be sent to an old best friend but we have separate life's now, provinces away from each other and my fiancee doesn't want her as my friend so I write to random people in hopes it fills a void. In hope someone will understand just a fragment of what I'm going through.
I don't want pitty either, just someone to listen. It's a powerful thing.
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I don't think I'm a good listener but I'll try listening to you.
ReplyHey I just want you to know that it’s okay to feel the way that your feeling. You love your kid that much is clear. I also get that the regret is for the life that could have been. The regret of a different life choice that might have led to some other path, some other you. Don’t worry about the conflicting feelings because they aren’t really conflicting. They are two separate feelings about two different aspects of life. As for going out into the world, just take your time. You will be able to go out and make new friends and even enjoy this new life when you are ready. All you have to do is keep holding on and keep breathing. Give life time to sort itself out. There is no rush. Keep loving your little girl. That is all you have to do now.
And if things start feel a bit too heavy you can always come back to this place.
Replyget friends at your job, that works often
ReplyI'm listening. And I think you're a wonderful mother for loving your baby. Not everyone gets a mom who wants to hold them, that's really special. I can't pretend to understand everything, but I'm a cutter, too, and I know everything hurts to make you cut.
Reply