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All my life I've wanted to be good at something. All my life I've wanted to have friends. All my life I've wanted to feel secure, in the way that I look, in the person that I am. In my own actions. But I keep failing. I keep failing to pick the right friends, I keep failing to look the way I want. I keep failing to achieve in the things that I am inspired by and feel motivated by. I am failure. All my life I just wanted to be proud of myself, but i'm not. I'm ugly, I'm fat, i'm that friend that makes everyone else feel better, but nobody gives a shit about. Nobody looks my way, I've never had somebody interested in me. I've never had a friend reach out for me, it's always give, give, give, until there's nothing left and their gone.
The one job that I am inspired by, the one career that I am working my ass off to get to. I don't think I can reach. Because i'm dumb, because I fail grade, after grade... i'll fail. Sure if I asked anyone who seems to think anything of me, they'll say I always thought, this and that of you. I don't think you're a failure. Bullshit, 'it's a mask of herd behaviour' my life is just a trainwreck, waiting to implode. I can never do anything right. I hate myself, I wish I was better, I wish I understood where I'm going wrong, but I don't. I wish I didn't want to die. I only stay around because I know my family would feel devastated, but I don't really care if I left them behind.
Because, this world makes me sick, the people make me sick, the politics, the discrimination, the prejudice, the materialism, the humanity of this world makes me sick. In the end of the day, this life isn't my life. I'm living to satisfy the people around me, the government, the system, families and others because honestly, the biggest dream i've ever had is ending it. But, nobody lets you live that dream, maybe because they too never had the resolve. I just wish people wouldn't push their own desire to live on me, telling me to live because they don't want to feel the guilt of my death. Fuck off and let me deal with my own life!
Even though I write this, it's not as though i'm going to kill myself. I'll just brace through the biggest pain, disappointing myself. Living my life so I can wither to a bitter sack.
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Same here
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