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Whenever I wake up I feel like tears will come out cuz i Know whats coming...My mom, My mom always scolded me to clean and do chores everyday, I know Its a normal thing but for me its different I feel sad and I felt treated like a house cleaner or not a relative just a maid....sometimes I sleep before dinner so when I wake up , I didn't eat dinner and sometimes breakfast too (bcuz I sometimes wake up early like 3am and i get back to sleep and then I wake up late like noon)....But, she always scolds me to wash plates because I didn't wash them that night and morning...(HOW COULD I WASH THEM IF I WAS ASLEEP!?!? I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE DINNER AND BREAKFAST!!) I always wanna say it to her face...I just wanna laugh at what im saying rn ..im complaining about my mom letting me do chores , everyone does that...One time I talked about this problem with my friends and I told them "whats wrong with me can u help?" They said "sure, maybe we can help you just a bit" and a bit of help is fine at least I got help. ..I started saying all my emotions and they were all sad, thats what they said...they said im slipping into depression I should be surprised , thats what I thought..But I wasn't surprised ,its like I knew and now I just confirmed it.....I wanna die , I wanna kill them (parents) ,I always say that to myself but I rather die than letting them die..at least life will be less annoying or maddening when Im not around anymore...I always thought that im sure they will be sad when im not around but I know they'll move on easily they'll just be sad for a minute or second then boom they'll be relieved...I always cry thinking about it , in my mind its always negative thoughts , negative thoughts about them being happy without me, them being relieve and forget about me...I hate it...I wanna be free but no one is...I wanna do what I want but no one can...Im still young, very young and im like this...Im afraid of whats gonna come ,what my future will turn out be like....I want help...in my mind I always thought if I want help maybe I'll talk about it with my parents but i cant...im scared of what will happen...I always think that they'll laugh , get mad , and they'll change , negatively...Im scared thats why I thought about saying about it with my friends cuz ,I trust them..but they only helped me a bit...Im still sad and empty...I want help , I dont wanna cry many times before bed and everyday I feel mad...in my mind it stays, its stuck, those words ,I hate , i hate...I dont know why I thought about it but those words were "hearing my mom is PAINFUL and tightening I dont wanna hear her voice I wanna sew her mouth up or ruin her voice , Because its annoying" that was horrible I hate it..why did I thought about those words?!!?! and to my own mom....its true though its annoying everytime she spoke annoying things , and my name, I get mad but I cry instead...when she speaks about her past about her being "responsible" ,I hate it..the past is past...we have different mind sets...u might be blessed with "responsibility" and being able to do things without anyone telling you to like ur chores...but im different ,im not you , dont make me be like you , because im me, i dont wanna be someone else like you, because its not me...im me and your you im different and you too ,so why are you making me into a person like you..that person that your making me into its not me..im annoying, troublesome , and you always misunderstood me.. I ALWAYS WANNA SAY IT TO HER...i still remember that thing ,the thing u said to me that started my insecurity and my anxiety...I was cheerful and now what happened to me ...im a disgrace...I just someone to tell me how to get this thoughts to go away and help me overcome it....i dont even know what this is..
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