Thoughts

I’m depressed. I don’t know how else to say it. Like.. the air is being clawed out of my lungs and my heart just wants to give up beating. It happens every time I’m alone. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand myself. People aren’t supposed to feel this way. Being alone…shouldn’t make you feel like you want to die from the inside out. But, it happens to me every time. I don’t know what to do but, to sit here and ask why? Why, would some destiny, fate, God, other, or any type of existence want me to feel this way? Why…was I made like this? Why can’t I change it? What more could one possibly due to exist beyond all this pain except, want to die. The ones who want to die want to escape it so they can’t feel anymore. And those who never got the chance to exist never have to. Seems like the perfect solution right? But, that’s not what I want. Through small glimmers I have seen the things worth living for. And, because of that, I don’t want to give my life up. But, how? How do I deal with this tremendous pressure of pain and agony inside. Coping hasn’t worked. Medication hasn’t worked. It’s supposed to all be in the mind. You’re supposed to have control over it. So why can’t I? Why can’t I pass through this barrier and learn to exist on my own? Was it because I was made this way? To never be alone? Or, was I damaged along the way? Idk. I’ve been crying for hours on end. Trying to understand why I’m the only person who feels like this. Trying to understand what it is that’s happening to me in the first place. Of course, I have no answers. So I just sit here….in my misery. Drowning in my tears as they create the lake that is my pain around me. All I can do…is float along the current. Till someone comes to help me out of this water. But, the water seems endless. Like an ocean with no land in sight. I wonder. Will I ever find land in this ocean? Will someone help me forget this pain of being alone?