Hard...

Sigh, I wanted to do this but now I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to write what to express what to feel. I feel so many emotions, so many feelings too often. I never know where to put them. Everyday I think what could I have said different, how do they feel, did I say something wrong, did I misinterpret it. Am I thinking too much. Again and again and again. No one, ever thinks from my perspective. I always consider every angle, every moment, every second. Could they be busy? Is that why they aren’t messaging me back... could they be ignoring me... was I too harsh? Did I give up too quickly. What? What? What? Am I supposed to say? What am supposed to think? Did I go the wrong direction, am too nice. Am I too self involved, do I try too hard to make sure everyone else is okay. But what about me, I try my best I open up, I don’t let it get to me when someone cancels on me, I try my best to rearrange even though am disappointed because I don’t want them to be upset. So is it too hard to expect the same back?? Is it so hard to consider that if I cancel because i don’t want to, is that a crime, must I feel guilty? Must I take all their attempts to me feel bad? But all the time, every time I consider yours. Why isn’t the same way, why cant I have the same response back? Why why why why why why why why why why why why? Do I have to keep wondering should I reply? Should I make better? Should I just reply? What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? I don’t even know myself but I know I have make sure no one feels bad no one feels sad. But honestly all I end up doing is regressing back to old habits old thoughts old notions, of how it’s hard to understand, how it’s hard to express, how it’s hard to take on the conflicting advice. To the thoughts of wishing that it’s really hard to be alive, to have people who love you, to have a happy life, because it makes all the harder to want to live, because the weight of trying to be there to be understanding to consider all the perspectives, it’s so damn hard. And even when I think this, I think am being selfish, whiny that I need to buck up and get over it. That it’s ridiculous to even feel this way, that it’s melodramatic, and that blunt advice that I get keeps crushing me everyday. But I still want to be friends with you. You who speaks bluntly but doesn’t consider the words that you speak, you who still cares about me, but still makes me guilty to speak my mind because no matter what my feelings take a back seat to the fact that I have disappointed you. I still want to be friends with you the pretty ones, the confident ones. You have your flaws your insecurities, you problems. And yet I still, I’m still always there, always constantly there to reply back as soon as you need me. But it’s easy for you to take you take and get back to me when you can. I still want to be friends with you, even when you make effort with me, beautiful confident outspoken you, when I want to make a stronger connection, I can’t because we are just to different to connect.

It’s hard, everyday is hard and I really don’t know what to do, what to say, how to say. Even now to me this feel like weakness, this feels shameful. Even now this feels hard to express.