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Being transgender is really tough. I know there's plenty of trans* folks out there where are completely happy with their bodies as given by nature alone. However, I'm one of those who isn't. Dysphoria sucks, but it mostly is as subdued as I can get it.
The other day, a cis woman I had recently met told me that compared to the other trans folks (my friends) that were around when we met, I completely code and appear as female. I would hope so, five years on HRT. She said my voice was soft, hair feminine, figure curvy, mannerisms and actions like most women. I mean I have DDs in the chest area.
Yet I'm 6'6, have to shave every single day, and, most of all, still have the junk I was born with. That's the main issue. The focus of this post, if you will. So many of the trans friends I have online or irl have surpassed me. Maybe not in appearance, but stability. Most of all, so many… those older than me, those younger than me, those who transitioned years after me, and those who've just started transition… so many have gotten their surgery or have their foot in the door with their waitlist location secured. I've been surpassed.
However because I live in the US, especially a state constantly contesting trans healthcare, live in poverty, and am overweight, it's unlikely I'll ever receive the surgery I really need. It sucks. Even if I lost weight, which is hard due to HRT, and became physically eligible, I'm still impoverished. Even if my poverty wasn't somehow an obstacle, my family, my state, and my country are against me.
Those of means and luck have managed to achieve that which I'll never get at this juncture. It remains unobtainable. It breaks me inside.
I've been surpassed. It remains unobtainable.
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