Tired of being sorry for getting angry.

Why?

Why should I be sorry for finally lashing out back and letting out all of my emotions, that I have bottled up for years and getting mad for good reasons?

“Oh, just get over it.”

“Stop putting such a pity party.”

“People have it worst and you should be grateful.”

“Attention seeker.”

“You're the problem and difficult.”

Etc...

I have constantly been poked at,pushed around, rejected for no reason many times in my life and hardly anybody gave a shit. I have been pushed into a corner,slapped in the face(metaphorically speaking) persistently. I kept trying to maintain optimistic, turned the other cheek despite all which was being done to me and unfortunately negative circumstances. All the negativity that was happening and continued,never stopped where it was getting out of control. Nearly every fucking thing was caused by my surroundings and I finally fucking snapped.

Why wouldn't I be in a rage at this point? I never got a chance to cope with all the bullshit in a healthy manner for years.

I'm an adult, my life is still a complete dsyfunctional mess and I'm far from being a stable person within myself because of it. I haven't managed to get out because nothing has given me a change to get out of it. It's actually really sad that I didn't have the support system that I needed back then and had to deal with it myself.

None of it build me up at all to be strong, it broke me down even more and this is the result of that. None of which was the best method in helping me. Now, after years of such hardships, I have to try and pick up the broken shards of myself because of my toxic surroundings.I am of need of change, but I don't even believe a good change is possible anymore and I don't believe in myself either.

How could I have felt good about myself, when everyone kept throwing dirt on me and rubbing salt on my wounds?

Whatever mistakes, bad choices i've made within my life and that I was remorseful about, I would get scrutinized for it so harshly. People would make such a big deal out of it and made me out to be a “bad guy” and then keep attacking me when I try to make amends. I always took responsibility for when I messed up and I don't justify my wrong doings, but I kept being taken for granted.

Why is it that I always gave the chances, the benefit of the doubt and be a forgiving person towards others, but nobody can be forgiving towards me?

I learn from my actions, I'm not perfect but I do and I try my best to be a good person. However, it wasn't necessary for others to purposely and continuously make me feel like shit about my mistakes. When others did wrong towards me, it was always justified and there was always an excuse for their actions. They always got away with it and didn't have to deal with any of the consequences, or backlash.

I didn't become this unrecognizable angry and hurting person that I am today for no reason. None of it just happened out of the blue and it was decided to be this way. I never asked to be this way, but I was pushed into it, almost forcefully because I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't strong enough to take more hits from life, the negativity and toxic surroundings. It has made me become toxic myself in both an intentional and unintentional way.

It is so hard for me to be grateful for the little good things that I have left, when I feel like so many people failed me and let me down at a young age.

I have nothing around and within myself to be strong enough to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't want to become such a detached,angry, bitter and hurting person because I choose to be. My younger self wouldn't of imagined things to have turned out the way it did. I was never this lost, hurting and angry person that I am today.

I have gotten furiously angry for many reasons. I get no break from all the bad in my life. I couldn't take the stress and the negativity anymore. I am lashing out after years of tormenting emotional,verbal, psychological and physical abuse from others.

I never got any sincere apologies

Nobody cared enough to know everything about me and my life, without judging me quickly. Is it all my fault for having such a emotionally-neglectful-toxic immediate family? Friends that were two faced and who betrayed me, when I was there for them? Guy's/Ex boyfriends that just wanted to take advantage and use me, when all I wanted was to feel loved.

There is so much wrong that has happened to me, that people will never fully understand and care enough to listen. Things have been done even when I did nothing to deserve it in the first place. All of my experiences has showed me how life can be selfish, greedy and unfair. Doesn't matter if you're fair and selfless. Having safe hopes that good will come back seems to be further away from the truth.

I never asked for anything more than what I needed, I'm not a spoiled brat and ungrateful. All of it has made me become an extremely miserable person. When I did ask for something it was rare, it was pretty minimal, wasn't hurting anyone and taking advantage. Yet, I get accused of demanding so much from others and the world much.

I'm tired of my life, I tried to kill myself but could do it. I have neglected and isolated myself from others out of distrust. I feel sensitive, defeated, defensive and attacked more than I ever been. I use to go out, enjoy myself and be productive. All that and so much more has since changed and I'm left with nothing good left.

No hope.

I also had shit happen to me that doesn't make sense, for the past 3 years and it's been messing with my head. I don't know what's really going on if rumors or something is going about me. I had so many theories and conclusions that someone/group of people are coming after me on purpose out of hatred in real life, based on their behaviors towards me. I don't know for what anymore and what I did wrong to deserve it. I have been harassed, stalked, followed, defamed, misrepresented, falsely accused, cruelly judged, dehumanized, threatened, humiliated, psychologically abused and manipulated. I've been disrespected, mistreated and put down. Despite everything I've been put through in my life already,this is something which added more to it and it has made me worst. I am too scared, worried to reach out because I fear it would be used against like many things have already.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore, if I'm diagnose with some severe disorder like paranoia for having such irrational thoughts.

I don't know if I always did or not but somethings just never made any sense.

The only possible reasons for this, is I've seen things being done to me directly, which showed me no good intentions were involved and that something was wrong. I have this feeling that people are doing things behind my back to ruin my life more on purpose. There's been so many occurances where incidences that don't add up. All of things felt set up, like some sick sadistic game to manipulate me. I don't believe I misinterpreted anything, because I would always try to find a logical reason for particular situations. Things just kept getting peculiar and confusing when it came to how others where acting towards me.

I think people know what's going on, but refuse to tell me what's happening and be truthful about it. It bothers me that people might be lying in my face and covering the truth up from me. I can just tell by their behaviors and body language.

I don't feel comfortable and safe anymore where I am. I don't remember the last time i was genuinely happy, feeling like I'm in a good and safe place. All I want is to disappear out of town and move far away, or be dead. I am furious about everything going on, that has happened and what is being done deliberately.

Who wouldn't be?

No matter what I tried to fight against it, nothing seems to work and be good enough. I let it all fall on me. It destroyed me and I get blamed for being a bad person for getting angry about it. The same shit keeps happening to me, even when I fucking avoid the trouble and do nothing. I feel cursed in someway. People continue to harm me and abuse me. Of course, lashing out on the wrong people who love me is wrong and I never meant anything by it. People who know me for a very long time, know that this isn't who I am. I do think this is exactly what these malicious people wanted, to make me look like a monster when I'm not, showing people only the bad and turning everyone against me

by making them hate me. They won and got what they wanted from me and I'm ruined forever. I don't know what to do at this point and what I can do. I feel trapped so far in, I'm not sure if I can get out of this and be okay.

I use to be a very sweet girl and now this woman is no longer tht sweet person. That light of mine is gone competely and far away in the abyss.

I am a lost case and I will never be the same again. I don't think I can ever be recovered and things will ever change for the better. It's not that I don't want changes to be positive, but because there's no hope showing me otherwise. I'm just wasting my childbearing years and youth away. My heath is failing me and I probably can't even have kids anymore I don't know. I stopped caring because I'm done with this life. I'm not living life but existing and I have no good purpose. I'm just everyone's punching bag and rag doll. Toxic people, life hardships and everything else has ruined me.

The thought on if i should give the world a taste of it's own medicine and watch it burn for alittle, is temping. Alot has been taken from me and it all came out in vain.

There is absolutely nothing good that has came out of this and if there is, I just can't see it. Too fucking preoccupied with the negative bullshit on my plate, to see the good that is there and get things together. Can you blame me with everything? When I'm happy, it never last long, so I don't even bother with that anymore. Only now people realized how much it's effecting me badly , took too long and it's too late now.

I may not be living in a place where I'm starving, raped and enslaved. I'm glad I don't have to go through more turmoil, but it doesn't mean my pains and sufferings are irrelevant.

I am filled with wrath and I have every right to be.