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Family Man, Four kids, Serial-Entrepreneur, President of a $50 Million Division within one of the largest companies in America, aspiring politician...
Drunk, sexual deviant, arrested multiple times, struggling marriage, 8-12 drinks per night, 2-3 hours of sleep per night...Bipolar
After struggling through 18 years of thinking I was a terrible person, with a wonderful mind, I suddenly learned that I was a wonderful person with a terrible mind...
I walked into a therapist’s office for the first time at the age of 35. I had suffered some type of episode on a business trip. I didn't understand it, but I knew that it had happened before...hundreds of times. Sparked by reading the book, Concussion, my mind had gotten moving in a crazy direction. I sprinkled two hours of sleep, and 50 drinks, over a four-day business trip, during which I had flawlessly executed eight sales presentations...completely hammered.
I sat down on the couch, not knowing what to expect. As the session began, I spoke freely, maybe for the first time in my life. I told her story, after story, of behavior I could not comprehend. At the end of the session, she said, "I don't usually attempt to diagnose in the first session, but it is pretty clear that you are suffering from Bipolar 2 disorder."
My world had changed forever...
18 years earlier, I was 800 miles away from my family for the first time, making the honor roll in my first semester of college at a prestigious business school.
Halfway through the year, the doctor shut down my wrestling career because both of my knees were shot. Another doctor thought I had cancer for an agonizing month until we tested to confirm it wasn't.
Something broke inside of my brain. My grades hit rock-bottom, I tried to drink myself to death one night...unsuccessfully.
I won’t take you year by year through the next decade and a half in my life, but it went a little like this:
Amazing accomplishment followed by an arrest followed by an amazing relationship followed by me screwing it up followed by suicidal thoughts followed by diving into a crazy idea that happened to work followed by another arrest followed by landing an awesome job and so on...
Somehow, it wound up with me moving up the ladder in business, despite spending weeks drunk at work, and barely sleeping, during my bipolar episodes (though I did not know what I was going through at the time). I got my MBA, moved into manager roles, senior manager roles, director roles, and finally me running a company...
It was just three years ago that I remember going out at lunch and taking a nap in a Walmart parking lot to try to sober up while I got my first sleep in two days. The lies I had to tell to cover up the stupid things I did during my episodes almost destroyed my marriage. I spent 15 years thinking about suicide every morning in the shower, and snapping out of it by the time I walked into work.
But, I got help. The help is working, the pills are working, and I am enjoying even more success than I did when the hypomania was helping me to work 80 hours a week. I am more present at home, and raising an amazing family.
Looking back on the last twenty years, I owe so many apologies to so many people. I want nothing more than to go into Facebook and start messaging everyone individually, or post some beautiful message that everyone reads and can interpret as their own personal apology. I want to tell my parents, my friends, and my boss, so that they can help push me back on the path if I begin to spiral off again...
But, I can’t...
I have too much to lose, and the stigma of this disease is far too great. I have four mouths to feed, and if I lost my job, or got blacklisted, I would not be able to support my family. If I told my friends/family what I just told you, every bad turn in my life would cause a dozen people to watch me like a hawk for suicidal actions. My mother would go crazy monitoring my crazy which would drive me more crazy and ignite her crazy and so on...
So, you see, I want to come out...as Bipolar...
My hypothesis is that there are tens of thousands just like me out there who would benefit from it.
But the folks who depend on me would not..
So, as much as I want to come out...as Bipolar...
I simply cannot...
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Wow, that's quite a life you've lived. At least you were a functional drinker (I surely wasn't, Lol). I'm so happy for you, that you got a diagnosis and the help you needed. I don't think bipolar disorder has the same stigma it used to. It seems like many are actually proud of it. I was diagnosed bipolar in my first appointment too. I never feel ashamed of it (not proud either). I don't blame you though, if you don't want the world to know. Maybe writing it here is enough. Maybe you can tell your friends and family years from now...or not. I wish you all the best.
ReplyThis is a pretty intense read. I'm sorry you've gone through this, and unfortunately you're right, mental illness has a bad rep. But it's gotten better. It's not such a forbidden word anymore. I refused to speak up on my problems until a police officer was knocking at my door because I was going to hang myself. I was terrified, at that point, everyone knew, but I got so much support. Maybe telling those close to you will help, and you'll find support like I did. But, I'm not going to pretend to understand what might happen with your work relationship. I'm just a twenty year old drifting by trying to figure his own life out. I'm glad you've gotten help though, and I hope things work out, whatever you decide to do.
ReplyWell, I don't know you personally, but I'm proud of you. Even though your identity is in the dark, it was very brave of you to share your story, and admit so many ugly truths and shortcomings. The fact that you can look at yourself so soberly and objectively speaks much for a strength of character you may or may not recognize, as yet. My best friend's mom was bipolar while we were growing up, and it is NO picnic! In my own personal opinion, that is likely one of THE MOST difficult mental disorders to handle. Quite the challenge, and I'm rather impressed that you somehow managed to accomplish as much as you did with that monster running it's trojan horse in your background all the time. Maybe at some point you can become a philanthropist, or advocate for people suffering through the same agony. I sincerely wish you the best in your healing path and future endeavors. Take one day at a time. God bless you.
ReplyThank you for sharing. This means a lot.
ReplyWell done you for getting help. I would suggest just keeping it quiet until you are comfortable to let it out. It will be better to let it out to your family, but tell them you are doing ok and are getting help. Tell them warning signs to look out for. Someone must have noticed something in all these years and perhaps hasn't had the balls to confront you about their suspicions.
You will begin to feel better over time, although Bipolar doesn't go away, at least you have it under control with meds etc. Keep talking, even just to your therapist or us (or both).
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