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2019 seems like the year of unveilings for the whole collective humanity.
including myself, I can sense it in the media, too.
there's transparency, but are we actually equipped and ready to accept all there is?
even in my family, I am starting to feel stuck.
I see where all the arguments arise from, childhood trauma - codependency - narcis--
I can't get myself to unsee and unfeel what I sense.
I have to blast music with no lyrics to just be able to breathe.
Is this sensitivity appropriate and normal? Do you find yourself in the same dilemma, if so, how do you adjust to it? How do you mute the things you don't want to see or feel? Is this in itself an illness? Is this a mental illness?
I also realized that my ex of 4 years used me, for his college papers, for safety when he comes out to a new city, for companionship he couldn't find in others. he left me because he used me up.
Am I mental to think and feel this way, but isn't this what's really going on?
Behind all the curtain and layers of pleasing others and seeing the best in everyone, I am left with the truth, that I am playing a role, a set of expectations others have in their heads of what I embody.
It is only when they leave that I realize this.
It is only when I live in a different environment I am able to see so clearly what has been happening.
Then this brings me to the question: am I supposed to live in the mountains and live as a monk to be free from humanity--humanity that seeks approval and belonging at the cost of others' truths?
Did he even love me, or the qualities that I embodied? That I went to a good school? His new gf went to the same school and looks like me, is this some sick joke?
can I please unsee and unfeel what I do, please, how do I shut my mind off.
how do I shut it off.
I've been traveling, I've been expressing myself through music.
I've been trying it all, but my mind constantly brings me back to the illusions that I once thought were real, and I begin to be skeptical of those around me.
Is this PTSD?
help me please
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First off nothing is wrong with you, and if your ex is dating a lookalike of you it probably means he realized he blew it and will now spend the rest of his days seeking you in another.
You’re not ill, there is such a thing as emotional contagion I happen to live in a major population center and all I see is bitterness, anger and rage-not directed at me per se thankfully-but nonetheless some days I feel like buying a bottle of Wild Turkey. As a recovering drunk I realize it’s not a solution but...
Good call about music with no lyrics, I almost exclusively listen to electronic instrumental, Early Summer by Miami Nights 1984 always snaps me out of a funk.
I think we’re living in the time when the truth is coming out, I don’t mean that in a religious woo woo sense but the internet is a double edged sword and I think we’ve collectively gotten too comfortable with letting our ugly side out.
I really, really really do wish I could wrap this up with some tied up in a bow “thing” that makes it all okay but I won’t insult your intelligence with some platitude with no pragmatic value but I will say this:
If people use and mistreat you that is never your fault and says more about them.
You are enough and you were born-and still are-worthy of happiness, well being, and having uninterrupted access to all of the good this world, this life has to offer.
ReplyThank you for your piece of mind, I really appreciate your care and reply. I will try to focus on my well-being and bring myself out of thinking into a rabbit hole. Thank you, thank you
ReplyI will also listen to that song, thank you :)
ReplyUpdate - from original post writer:
I am in a much balanced state of mind.
Ex reached out as if nothing had happened - wow.
But I decided to be different, I chose to love. I do not want to play ego games.
So his games, are his games. I am no longer playing it.
I am no longer feeding his ego. I am just me. And, I am so proud I am me.
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