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Or if I was once suicidal will it always come back?
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I hear you, & same. But i think that if we can try to think as positively as possible and best of all seriously find support somewhere (like here for example βΊ btw great job for coming here and asking. Im proud of you π), things will get better. I was going through some "suicidal withdrawals" about a month or so ago. Then, idk i guess i was afriad because i didn't wana be in that place again, so I just prayed for hope. I prayed everything would work out to be at least okay <3
Now here we are; a few days ago I finally found my long time high school crush that I haven't seen in five years. There's your proof of second chances (; but it took hard work and dedication. I stopped sitting around and doing nothing, finally telling myself "this isn't just hope, faith, & destiny at work. You gotta prove yourself just as much by taking action!" WE keep putting ourselves in those negative places, if we continue to THINK like that. That's why I made the choice to find her, and if not her, then find my happiness elsewhere ^-^
Basically to sum it up, the answer is yes lol it WILL end.. if you tell yourself that it's going to. If you REALLY believe, and MAKE those changes ππ good luck, i hope this helps! β¨
ReplyThank you! And I am really glad that things turned out well for you!
The thing is, I know that it's possible to get out from this mindset. I did it. I did it many times. Too many times, and now even when I feel like I truly want to live, even then I can't stop wondering how long will it last this time, when will the bad feelings come back again. And it goes like this already for years, I get better, I start to feel hope, things start to look well, but even though I put a lot of effort into getting better, one way or another but in the end it always comes crashing down in a moment, and now I just never know if it's finally the end, or it's just another flat part on this never ending roller coaster...
ReplyOhh ok i gotchu i gotchu lol yes i do know the feeling still, and STILL.. it sucks. It really does. But then all i can say to that is, that's kinda life. Life can't be perfect, and it shouldn't be neutral either, cuz then that would get boring trust me. You just have to sit out the bad stuff, but if it feels more negative than positive, then my first comment still applies; which is that you can't keep fearing the good (in beliefs that the bad are right around the corner). I know, it's harder than it sounds, but it is possible i gaurantee u that.
Life NEEDS a balance, meaning that it sure can happen in that neutral tone i talked about earlier. However, that is not particularly my types of lifestyle. I prefer absolute happiness at one point, therefore however, I would have to deal with absolute sadness/madness/whatever bad stuff that comes my way afterwards as well. Because THAT'S the true path of life. Bad guys will always exist, rapists, robbers, drug dealers and whatever else. Buuut this is not to say that we don't have the other side too, the undercover cops, the givers, healers, and GOOD guys (:
It works the same way with our emotions and feelings of suicide. The light is there, we still just have to choose and see it that way. What is bad without good? Yes we all know that one but how about this... What is good without bad? The bad is the "mistake" right? But the bad is the "lesson LEARNED". It is the very necessary. We need to take it and use it as a tool, to TRANSFORM. It changes us into something better! :D When it rains it pours but when it shines there's more. So we cannot have the sun without the rain, NOR the rain without the sun.. actually I may not be too sure about that last part π π but my REAL point here is that after the rain comes the rainbow, and you have to really think about the meaning behind that. For sure we can't have it without both the rain AND sun. And again think about it, it is literally the rain's bow!! How cool is that?! Maybe it's just ME being cheesy and gay as f (which i totally am though like for real. I'm bi lol) but seriously I just love metaphors, analogies, and tons and tons of hidden meanings in philosophy/psychology.
Idk but anyway,
have a great day!
And if you still feel grey...
Well, I'm here if u wana talk xD
ReplyThanks, and yep I do agree that never feeling bad would make feeling good kinda boring, and it would take away it's purpose. It's just, recently I've realized why do I feel the way I do. Before that I thought I am unhappy simply because I am like that. It really took me a while to understand that I don't really have a place in the world... or at least I feel like that. It's like no matter how welcoming and friendly the people are around me, I feel like I don't belong there. And I know that everyone gets this feeling all the time, but the problem is, that I never feel any other way. Not with my family, not when in love and not with friends. It's probably just something I have to learn to live with, but I have no idea how to deal with being an outsider, being excluded from my own life.. Really happiness to me isn't even the sense of belonging anymore, it's just being numb to the pain of not belonging anywhere.
ReplyI think that I am at the point where even if the whole world would fall apart, it wouldn't have a huge impact on me... but the price I pay is, that it's always in the back of my head that everything MIGHT actually fall apart. And sure.. why worry, after all it's quite unlikely. But on the other hand: it still might happen, and knowing that, I just can't act as if it wouldn't be possible.
ReplyAnd that every one is in pain and a lot if us just does not show it, and when they do, we just don't really know what to do about it... and really there are just so many things, and everything is so unsure, so unstable.. I really don't know how can people handle this. It's like walking in a garden, not knowing when will a stepping stone turn into a snake.
ReplyLook I'm being as real with u as there is okay? Again I never said that "everything MIGHT actually fall apart" was NOT possible. I am straight up telling u that it IS as possible as the opposite end of it. Cuz life is neither a glass half full NOR a glass half empty, life is just life! π€·ββοΈ just like a glass of water (or even at that, who knows really?) is just a glass. Technically it's both, but if nothing in life really truly matters, then wether or not a glass is half full/half empty doesn't even matter EITHER. So the only difference in this real world a*s life is that WE the HUMAN BEINGS get to decide. we PRODUCE meaning to a meaningless world β¨ and it honeslty doesn't get anymore real than that. So it is OUR life, OUR bodies, and OUR choices, but if you can't see it that way.. then tbh again, there's not much else we could do to help you more /: you can't get a person help if they can't see that they need the help themselves. But also, you should ask yourself "why else did I come here? if NOT for help" just think about that one for a sec....
So not that we don't care <3 cuz I'm personally doing everything i can to be real with you and help you.. but if you can't change your perception, then i will super sadly and hurtfully say that I don't know what else i can give to you ): i hope you can see and understand what I'm talking about. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. I don't give a sh*t if I'm a stranger, i care about you. And i would VERY much prefer you see the bright side of things.. but its like i said, at the end of the day it is your life your body and your choices. Just please choose wisely, and at least realize that a negative mindset ATTRACTS negative energies. Good luck to you, and with much love, I now say good bye.. UNLESS you'd like to talk more lol I'm always down ππππ
ReplyThanks, and yep I know these.. it's just I have no idea really, I came here because I wanted to know if I should give up the hope of leaving these feels behind, or are these thoughts like things which you once saw and can't ever unsee.
Of course I know that you can't really get me out of the place I am emotionally at right now. But maybe you can give a thought that might help me. Sure, I can't expect anything more than that from anyone, I know this, and I never did expect anything like that. In fact I never expect anything at all from anyone.
I didn't mean to complain, so sorry if it felt like that, what I wrote was more as an afterthought since you said you were up for some philosophy, and in these terms what I was interested in was the following:
Do you think that there are some things, that are better not to know about/not to see (like things which even after processing them, were still damaging) and if so, what should you do if you somehow saw them anyway?
You could ignore them, but that just seems dishonest, and wrong to me. On the other hand one could include this knowledge into their personality, and sure.. you CAN learn from a trauma, but there are lessons which are better not to be learnt if you want to stay happy. And of course, one could argue that there is a middle, where you don't ignore it, but neither live your entire life according to it, and sure this seems the optimal, but what I really meant by "best not to see" is that the things we now talk about shatter your world view so fundamentally, that you can't find the middle. I mean maybe things just seem like this, and you can find the healthy middle with anything, but I am not sure about this. At least for now, I think there are thigs which are like trying to find the right place on the shelf for a book that's so heavy that the shelf would break under it. You either don't put it on the shelf, or break the shelf with it, but you won't find the right place for it.
Any way, now I see that you probably wouldn't enjoy talking about this. That's okay, I just misunderstood you. I am really sorry, and I hope that I didn't bother you too much with it.
I wish you all the bests! Good bye
ReplySorry! I got caught up in something personal and it's kind of a long story but I did plan on getting back to you! π Okay so here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm first of all going to (as always) be as real with you as I personally know possible. But second, I am going to reply to each paragraph that you have in your reply. So prepare yourself cuz this may or may not be long lol but here we go:
You start with "I came here because I wanted to know if I should give up the hope of leaving these feels behind, or are these thoughts like things which you once saw and can't ever unsee." And gosh I really wish you could word that better because although I perceive what you're trying to say as more of a just-a-glass idea; where there really is no good or bad in it... I still got the sense that you're viewing this negatively, whereas I would try to alternate that sentence into a more positive feel. Because here we go, the truth to that answer is.. that you've kind of reached the point of no return. So yes, once you see or know what you've seen/known in life, there is no unseeing or unknowing it. Now you can take that as you may, but I don't think that it should be avoided anyway. Do not leave those feelings behind, for they are meant to be there, to guide you. Nothing in life and be seen as a message but (again) as a learning period. Like "what was it that made me want to kill myself? So that I know how to IMPROVE from that feeling and do BETTER" Sometimes we take our own little journeys in learning something new by HAVING that knowledge and seeing or knowing it experiencing whatever it is that we've encountered. And it can kinda be cool sometimes. Like I for example have this huge issue with being stuck in the past, and personally that's where MY suicidal withdrawals went slipping through the cracks, and that's why MY path of happiness started falling apart again. So it actually helped to follow the wrong path again just remind myself like "sh*t I forgot not to do that" and then the best part about patterns is that you can start to change and adapt much faster. So the learning experience is ALSO much faster, therefore you'd be able to pull it back together even quicker than the first time you had a downfall. (:
Okay so there's that, and I think that even covers up most of your second paragraph but I again wanna say that I don't like it when people think negatively ): it hurts me a little, not gunu lie. So when you say "In fact I never expect anything at all from anyone." just know that you should change those expectations, and allow better vibes to come your way, with appreciation for the things that you already have! ^-^ just like how I'm here trying to talk to you and help you out right now! <3
And god no, it didn't feel to me like you were complaining at all! I surprisingly almost don't see anyone or anything as a burden so no I didn't get that feeling from you one bit. Plus that's my job here at Novni; I'm here to help! :D
Do I think that there are some things, that are better not to know about/not to see (like things which even after processing them, were still damaging)? No. I think it's best to know everything that we WANT to know, because keeping secrets is wrong unless hurtful or helpful. An example of hurtful is how a pregnant lady is technically fat but we lie to her about being fat and remind her that she is beautiful (because literally pregnant women are scientifically proven to have a more beautiful face during this time period which is actually to "keep their mate" I know, it sounds silly) But an example for "keeping secrets is wrong unless helpful" would be how I had ugly shoes one time and my friend told me they looked good just so that I would feel better but look dumb in front of everyone else. Like that's stuff you want to know lol and in terms of bigger things, like growing up to find out what sex is or discovering that someone has cheated on you, I still think you should always know or find out. Because if you end up with a hypocritical manwhore of a father like I did, who always made it seem like I was the gross one for not even doing anything (seriously, I could b playing with a boy doll and a girl doll and he would just assume I was doing something wrong with that line up) then the repression would just cause you to become curious anyway. So it's best to keep some things like an open book. As for the cheating, well I think you'd still want to know that. Like who would let their partner cheat and then just brush it off as if nothing is even happening there? That'd b awful. In the second part of your question you asked "and if so, what should you do if you somehow saw them anyway?" If any of this traumatic or unseen businesses happens to you, you just have to deal with it, and that's about it ._. but the thing is, you have to know HOW to deal with it. You have to find the right people, the right places or things. You have to deal with it mentally and emotionally or psychologically basically, and sometimes even physically you have to deal with it. But that's it, you just wanna be able to deal with it PROPERLY. THAT'S what it all boils down to. You need guidance and clarity. So the best way to deal with our problems is by walking right through them, NOT around them. Or in other words, you can't run from your problems or run from your feelings, you have to get through them so that they can actually go away. And that's usually the best way to describe the feeling; is that it kinda feels like a fading away type of process, once dealt with β
And again I think I've kind of gotten into your next paragraph with some answers so I'm going to cut through now to the part where your saying "what I really meant by 'best not to see' is that the things we now talk about shatter your world view so fundamentally, that you can't find the middle." Nothing can truly be so world shattering as you've put it. And even if so, you've gotta think metaphorically or symbolically again. Like what happens when or if the world you perceived has shattered in front of your very eyes? Well, when ANYTHING shatters, we usually see the end result of nothing, literally nothing. The shattered pieces are gone and then you have a completely fresh and new start again. You rebuild, you learn once more! That's all (: It maybe sounds bad, but again all it is, is life. We fall we get back up, we fall we get back up again. that IS the rollercoaster of life, but again the sooner we see these patterns and the sooner we realize these things, the faster that we learn from it. And so the faster our pace, the easier it would become! :D I don't believe in middle ground though. So this "middle" place that you speak of, it only works in incredibly particular situations for me. Like for instance the gays. I'm a bisexual female, but the reasons I'm not a big fan with labels is because I could be pansexual too (meaning you don't fall in love with gender, just personality. and I've never dated a trans person, but at the same time, I wouldn't really know if I'm okay with that unless I found myself in a situation of dating one some day. So I just don't know as of right now). But even at that, I have this theory that we are not exactly one thing. We come in measurements, and that's how science has worked to back things up for us many times. Science isn't science without measurements. Then again that's why some scientists don't believe in paranormal etcetera; because it is not measurable and that's how they test things... but anyway. We sometimes find a straight man who has fallen for his best guy friend, or a straight girl that's fallen for her best girl friend. It happens, just like how some people say that they've suddenly started liking the same sex, or even the opposite sex after thinking they were only gay all this time. It's crazy, but it happens! .o. the thing is, we don't CHANGE our sexually or perhaps even we don't BECOME gay or bi or whatever, we just, explore more. We find ourselves and discover more new things about ourselves everyday that's all. So like I was saying my theory (kind of proved to be true in this case) is simply that we are all slightly different in the sense that we are MEASURABLE beings. We are the same in the sense that we are human beings, all capable of feelings like happiness and sadness and stuff, or struggles as well as success.. but we are different and UNIQUE in the sense of each having our own different combinations of personality traits. Some more common and compatible than others, but ya that's about it. Like personally I feel 2:3 ratio of bi; that is, 40% into men and 60% into women. But see it's like I said, where even at that I'm missing the trans, so to my knowledge (for now still), that's 2:3:0 or 40-60-and none for trans. And oh my gosh I LOOOVE your last sentence with the metaphor/analogy thingy in it, cuz again I'd like to help and realternate that for you (if that's even a word, now that I'm thinking about it... realternate lol). Things ARE like "trying to find the right place on the shelf for a book that's so heavy that the shelf would break under it." Thing is, "You either don't put it on the shelf, or break the shelf with it,.." OOOR break the book down into pieces, not literally lol but maybe break it down into steps, or parts by parts ya' know? So you can "find the right place [or places] for it." ;D
you are so wrong I LOOOVE taking about stuff like this! Do not say "that's okay" because you'd be lying to me and no you did NOT misunderstand me. I know that deep down you feel like a burden when you say this because again I HAVE BEEN THERE )': so NOT apologize to me for the way you're feeling or even just for wanting to talk ^-^ no one should ever have to apologize for things like that. So that being said, I have two things left to say. One, if there is something in particular that you want to talk with me about, like something specific, I'm all ears. We're strangers so it's okay (bet you never thought you'd hear THAT in a positive light lol) I won't judge, not even if we knew each other would I judge tbh & Two, if you're down to let me, I can give you my own whole philosophy on life, just to keep you going and to help you see what I mean about a place worth living. I promise I wouldn't bore you, I have theories out of this world like you wouldn't even believe because they're just so good! :D β¨ but either way, let me know what's up. Again my main goal here is to help you, so if that's good enough for you, and you're okay with that, then my job here is done. But any other further assistance and I'd STILL be happy to help xD so since it feels like I'm just rambling, redundant as always and going in circles here, I'm gonna let you go now π goodnight for now! (It's currently 3am where I live)
ReplyOh! I just wanted to add in the "labels" section (cuz I forgot to mention my own-made quote after that..) that "labels are HELPFUL but NOT required" π
ReplyI was suicidal for years and am completely healed. I can't imagine it ever coming back. I hope yours doesn't come back either, but if it does, please push through it. With Love!
ReplyThank you! I am really happy for you, it's really nice to hear that you are doing well!
ReplyThank you <3
Reply