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We have been together for quite few years, I thought we were happy, very aside for the things we work on each of us. We wanted to have kids, buy a house together, build a life and a world of our own. I have never feel like I made a wrong decision marrying you. Yet, it was only a problem when someone older than me, that somehow seems to be a better option appeared in your life. And yes, it terrifies me to lose you, if it wouldn't you'd probably be free by now to be with that person.
We have been together through thick and thin and I thought you to be my only friend, but I feel hurt inside and you are being so selfish. So much, you have managed to make me feel guilty of you developing feelings for someone else. You have managed, to make me be okay with you forging a friendship with a person that has been clear on their intentions towards you. Yet, I am the one that has to be mature and be an adult about this. You know for a fact you are not the first married person this other is going after. In fact, there has been quite a few, but this doesn't even lift a hint on your mind. You just feel blind compassion for that person, and then you don't want to lose me, but you have to be friends with him.
I know that if I were in your shoes, you wouldn't have had a quarter of the maturity, patience, call it what you wish - that I give you. Many times you spied on me, not finding anything because I wasn't hiding anything. But the moment the room flips upside down, you need your space. Only when the conditions changed, boundaries became a necessary thing. I hate to call you selfish but goddammit - I feel like you are clinging into any excuse you can think of to get on with this.
If this person, in few weeks has managed to place himself in a balance with me after all this years, what am I worth? Can you blame me for being depressed? Can you judge me for feeling misplaced? Deceived perhaps? If you have nothing to hide, why do you hide everything anyway? If you are so righteous as you claim to be, why don't you dare to pay me the favor? It was ok when you distrusted me in my face. I had the maturity to hand you the answer to any of your doubts and questions. After all, that's what I have always been here for, to love you and prove to you that I do, with every chance I have.
I feel like a sack of shattered glass. And I have to achieve to walk around without letting a sound of that escape my body. I lay by your side at night, sometimes I wish I would just never wake up again. Maybe you'd be happy, I am terrified to think he will break your heart, and you took a risk all for nothing. I want you to be happy, even if it is a the expense of my happiness.
How am I supposed to feel when I see you troubled because you can fulfill someone else's desires towards you?! Why?! He know who you were since you met him, but that didn't change the course of things. Now you speak about things you used to heavily criticize when you would distrust me. Now there are plausible reasons for strong connections between two people, even if you are one of them and I am not the other.
I wish you that rub so much in my face to be a grownup took some responsibility and maturity to at least admit to yourself what you have allowed yourself to feel for someone else. The very thing to made me promise not to.
Life never was fair, and when I found you, I thought it all was for the treasure you are. But you see, there is no bigger curse than tasting heaven and being thrown back in hell. He didn't arrive late, that is all too poetic and luring but let us be logical and since he seem to be more than I am, use a fact on my favor for once. No one arrives too late to someone else's life. But we, every single one of us, make our own decisions. I don't expect an apology, God knows I don't. But at least be honest, even if it kills me - why would it matter to you? It's not me after all. I was just a temporary refuge that got you eventually tired. I will never stop loving you, but I won't be able to lose you more than once in my life. What happened to those poems, love songs, and romantic thoughts we had about us, our future.
Did I stay by myself in that world? Maybe that's why I feel so cold, so isolated, even from my own feelings.
I want to die, I want this pain in my chest to become unbearable, lay down to sleep, forever.
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