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what do i say? we only have a couple weeks to go before we're back together again, and i can't help but keep imagining the moment of our reunion over and over. i'm excited for it. but i've also come within an inch of breaking up with you at multiple points during the summer. first, when i was working in sweden and you didn't respond to the letter i sent you (you're the first partner i've had who has been unable to write a letter, even though your career goal is to be a writer) & didn't ask about my days in the one hour of the day we were both awake; the next time was after the tiny tiff we got into on our anniversary; the next time was within the past couple weeks, when our conversations became so semantic due to our work schedules that i questioned whether you even liked me anymore. i told you when i was frustrated - which you know is hard for me - and i tried to lead by example, to be more emotionally transparent, to make sure you knew how interested i am in you and your life and your feelings - but you didn't seem to make any adjustments. babe, you're bad at long distance. and that's okay. but people change during time apart, and what i'm worried about is that we'll reunite and our individual progresses will mean that remaining together will be impossible. i don't want the same thing we had before we had to be separated. i want something better. i want to make it all the way to the end with you. i see who you are and i see who you can be and i get the sense in my marrow that we might be more important to each other than we can imagine, even though we anticipate that we'll be over by next summer. i want this relationship to be a good thing, now and always, and i want your life to be better because it happened. i want my life to be better because of it, too - why am i always the person who changes my partner's life but my life is rarely changed by my partner? - and, to be honest, right now it feels like you're making my life worse. i hate that your bedtime is so early in my timezone. i hate that in the limited time we have to talk we waste time talking about the weather and tv, and you give shallow answers to my questions about your thoughts and feelings. i hate that you missed me most intensely at the beginning of the summer, and i miss you most intensely now, in the time when you're getting intensely excited for our reunion. i hate that you'll probably never tell me you love me. saying it all feels good, because i can see how small it is when i say it. on my side, our relationship is completely secret. you can talk to your friends and parents about it if you need support, i can't. but i'm saying something now, with a smile, while you're sleeping an ocean away.
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