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I wish to cease existing. The idea of killing myself is a pleasant thought on occasion, but the idea that there is a heaven or hell scares me. Not for any righteous reason, I could care less where I end up. But simply because the thought of being eternally conscious scares me. To live a life after life is hell itself for me. Life is most occasionally hell as well. So many regrets, so many false starts and so many distractions from the problems that I face that it annoys me to no end! Even as I write this something pulls at my attention wanting me to turn away from facing whatever the fuck this is that I feel. Like the universe itself doesn't want me to fix me. As if this entire life of mine is a gigantic tumor that distractions attempt to keep pumping life into.
Sadness turns to anger, anger leads to more problems and more problems lead to feeling worse. I am nearly convinced I am already dead and I live in hell. Because of all my near death experiences not one has claimed me and I don't feel relieved, I feel disappointed. Again as if some force teases me with non existence and then pulls me back. I truly think if I were to pass I would be happy. My personal heaven would be a big dark, black empty void of pure nothing where I would cease all cognitive function.
But no.
Hell as defined by myself is indeed where I am now. I am struggling just enough to feel it while being in that middle ground of just enough to have an apartment but living so close to the dollar that one happy spend would get me kicked out. A clever hell would never acclimate you to pain after all. It would sprinkle in just barely the amount of good you need to be comfy before ripping it away over and over again.
Life is pain, with small bits of happiness...so it makes you feel the pain all the more. And I hate it. I want to cease existence entirely. Not even let dust remain of what I am. If I could have never existed at all then all the better. I honestly can't think of anyone who was better for knowing me. And I know many of them would have been a lot better without me holding them back. Early in my life, from the age of ten, I thought about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me being the fear of the physical pain and my own cowardice. Now I simply wish to cease existing all together. If anything killed me tomorrow I would probably be praising the person who did it instead of being angry. Sure a few people may be sad. But they would be over it within the month.
You can't have pain if you don't exist, you can't hurt or be sad. You won't feel anything anymore and that...that is paradise to me. That is my Eternal Dream.
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I feel the same way you do sometimes I thought about taking loads of medicine in curling up to go to sleep and never wake up. I have a great sense of being under serving of every happy thing I get that I feel like if I am happy I'll be punished resorting in a self-fulfilling prophecy and very negative feedback loops.Though it's not the afterlife that scares me into ending my life. It's that I'm a waste of a human and the only way to atone for that is to find a way to pay off the debt that my mere existence has accrued. If I kill myself somebody's going to have to find me they're going to be emotionally distressed by that once I'm dead I can't pay back the pain they feel. Even the funeral process even if I because my John Doe and the state has to bury me that's still State money they could have went to helping somebody else. So I keep living so I don't feel like a waste though I understand that's not a healthy way to look at things.
Sometimes we get to a state where worrying about others doesn't change our desire to disappear or not have to handle it all. I suggest getting help in turning to a site like this is a good start venting can help you recontextualize what's wrong. I would suggest setting small goals for yourself find something you want to do or see and keep living until that small moment happens and then find another goal. Eventually I've heard that you might find a big goal that might make the rest of your life worth living or you would have developed a better way to cope with the feelings.
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