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So growing up I have always had a rocky relationship with my parents. Not so much my mum moreso my dad. I dont know if this is entirly true but something tells me hes not mentally stable. Yes he is a great dad when he chooses to be but thats only helping us children physically. Cooking, working to pay bills is basically the extent he does. I know his job is not easy nobodies is. But its his responsibility to look after us and nnot hate us for him having to provide all these things. Anyways the real reason i feel like i need to get out is becasue the one thing that has always gotten me downn was the fact that he has no care or regard for anyone elses feelings but his own. When something is wrong in his head or something bad happens making him feel angry and stressed out he lashes out on me on my family. But as soon as something happens with us we're supposed to keep our mouths shut about it because he wont deal with it nor put up with it. Theres this cycle that goes around that only hes allowed to have an opinionn, only hes allowed to get angry and when he gets mad and realises that he was wrong which is most of the time he doesnt apologise for being wrong he just treis to manipulate you into thinnking it was all your fault for doing the little thing that triggered him to have an over the top reactionn. Its not fair. Being 20 and living under a roof free of charge and no bills to pay is a lot and i know i sound like im being unngrateful. But when you play the church piano out of your will (even when you dont know how to play and you manage to do it anyways) btw while we're on that topic. I pay for te church band. It only consists of me and my dad. I dont play the piano but its somethingn i took up because my uncle needed a piano player to launch his church. EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY since ive started playing ive never missed one except for when im overseas.Ever since i started there has been no recognistion for the good things that i have done. Every sunday its me that messes up so its me who ruined the whole thing. My dad has only ever put me down and continued to kick me while im down about it and i get so frustrated becasue the only reason i do it is because of him its not something i want to do. But he cant see that because hes too stubborn to see that what he wants from me is everything that i do. I drop the kids off to school, i then go to unni, i then leave early inn time to pick up my siblings from school and get them home to make them soemthing to eat. All this while my dad the father fo the hosue is watching tv or sleeping. I then have to read the childrens books with them and do theirn homework for them and this is not jsut a onne off chore that i do to help out its an everyday thing. I do this monday to friday. On saturdays i often feel like i want to sleep in but i get woken up early to do a full house clean after that i do my own thing for a little bit then its off the church band parctice where i go all the way 30 minute drive to be. I then go to church early inthe morning to set up adn prepare for the church comers. I then play for the pastor and conntinue to play while he preaches so everyone is able to achieve the word. When i was in my last year of school i was the school captain of my school, i gradtuated with a VCE and i was a polynesian which is nnot seen often. I was one of 2 students picked to recieve the achievement schoalrship for the year of 2018 and i made it into a nursing degree. I am now currently in my last semester of my studies and my graduation is just around the corner. All of this but still no positive. All my life ive tried. But all my life no matter how high i go i am still nothing in my dads eyes. He tells me regularly that he fears for my life. He thinks that im going to fail in life. It has always built me into being a stornger person everyday of my life being around that kind of negative person. But being older adn still being treated like everything i do is nothing and nothing i do is enough. You get tired. Im so tired of this life. Im so tired of living in a roof where if the big boss is angry then we cant eat. i hate living in a house wehre if the big boss is out you have to make it spotless before he comes home or else i get yelled at for hours. I want freedom but not freedomn to go places. i want freedom in my own home. I want to go to the kitchen and get a snack without feeling like i need to stop being in someones veiw or someone might hear me. This is no way to live under your own supposed roof.
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