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I only occasionally allow myself to contemplate the fate of my future.
It's seemingly far-off and intimidating. If I do think about it, I'd probably set myself an expectation to arrive at conclusions--to eventually construct definitive goals and convictions, which means that I'd have to *plan*.
I have never been good at thinking ahead, and I certainly don't have a plan. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life anymore.
I know that people who know me would disagree with these things that I say about myself, but that's because none of them consider my arbitrarily unfair advantages, or how many things I hide about myself from people. I'm such a screw-up in every conceivable way.
No one sees *me*. No sees how undeserving I truly am. And the people that *have* seen left a long time ago, and I cannot blame them.
I am hopeless. I do believe that I am better off dead. The world would still turn. For some reason, deservedly, I feel as though no one would care much. At least, not for long.
What keeps me hanging on is that I'm afraid that there *is* light at the end of the tunnel--although I feel like a fool for even considering that possibility.
I know that if it does exist, it's going to take a lot of hard work, and due to my recent lack of motivation and apathy, I can't say that I'm willing to put it in.
I apologize for this aimless ramble. I needed to get my thoughts to *someone*. Maybe someone out there feels the same way.
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