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To start off this post, I never thought to post stuff anonymously about my problems but here I am. I am stuck and scared.
It all started when I was in the 6th grade, I started to feel unmotivated, self-hate, and sadness. I've been exposed to mature things at a younger age which made me think a lot deeper about things, having friends to talk about what I was feeling wasn't my best option considering how young we were, they did not know how to handle what I was feeling at the time, which led to cliche advice such as, its all in your head or, just ignore it. I listened and it eventually got worse, which led to me cutting myself by the 8th grade. Along the road, I realized that I needed some type of help and turned to my family.
Little did I know that would be a mistake because my parents didn't know how to handle what I was feeling either, and I was made fun of and hit for cutting myself and told what I felt was pointless and disgusting. I hid my feelings for the next 2 years, and along with that my personality around my family definitely got worse. I always wanted to be alone and never told them about anything. I got into fights with my whole family pretty often. Around that time about 2 years ago they began to beat me when they didn't get the answer they wanted from me, and I'll admit to engaging the verbal fights, yet never physical. The support system I thought I had was never there, and I've been scared to face them every day but I blame myself for it all. Maybe it was my attitude or my body language? I distanced myself to prevent myself from getting hurt but they eventually happened again. I was threatened to be killed and had my face punched in. Distancing myself completly worked, and eventually my family realized a little bit about how bad hitting me was and stopped...? Though they try and get the family back together without ever apologizing, I'm still scared every day, having flashbacks and being traumatized from the experience. I've tried a couple of times to kill myself after those fights, but I was too much of a coward. another year passed by without a single thing happening but I still can't get what happened to me out of my head and I continue to blame myself because I'm still scared. I push my family away, Though they claim they want to change and regret what happened, it still nearly happens again, but I'm still just screamed at and pushed around.
I want to leave and never turn back but I still love my family even though it happened, I hate myself everyday because it was probably my fault they got this angry in the first place. I've never been diagnosed with depression but I'm certainly too scared to grab an appointment with my parents knowing since they don't believe in depression. I feel trapped and like the only option is for me to end my life. Why do I have to fake being happy infront of all of my friends and my family when im really not? I've never gotten the help I needed out of the 5 years i felt the same sadness and crippling lonliness inside of me. I hate myself for reasons and sometimes for absolutely no reason. The only reason i havent been able to get help nor walk out is because of fear and self-blame. Im scared, the feeling has only gotten worse and yet again, I wanna just end my life so badly.
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ReplyDarling no
ReplyAwwwww bless you x
ReplyIt's not your fault. So please stop blaming yourself.
You cannot blame yourself for what you suffer from, especially if it's depression.
What your family did is wrong, and they've only worsened your condition... Because now it seems as though you have serious trauma. 💔
Darling. Get help. Please. Try to find a way to talk to a psychiatrist or therapist without them finding out.
You deserve more from this life. Give yourself a fighting chance 💝
ReplyDon’t. Don’t fake being happy. I feel that way too and it makes me sadder when I fake it. When I walk by someone and smile and say good morning? And I think to myself but it’s not? So I carry my day displaying what I feel and people around me ask me what’s wrong... you’ll know when someone truly cares. I’m sorry your family did that to you. I’m sorry you get anxiety attacks. You didn’t deserve that. Even though you think you aren’t enough to be here, you are! Don’t give up. Not now. Go places, meet people, pick up hobbies surround yourself with things you enjoy. Even if it’s reading? Go to a library and read! If you like drawing go to a coffee shop put some music on and draw. People will see you and some may be the ones who will become a support system. As much as we all feel alone, a lot of us feel alone too and sometimes being together and talking is all we need. We just need to say it. And the fact that your saying it might be the help someone else needed to confess too! Be strong. 💕
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