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If I could go back to that one night in junior high that changed me forever, I would do it in a heartbeat. I could save myself from so so so many internal struggles and toxic thoughts. If I could go back to my first boyfriend and not kiss him, I would. Because I wasted my first kiss on someone I didn't love, not even really liked. I will never have my first kiss again. If I could go back to when I left my friends for the next better thing, I would. Even though they weren't great friends to me, they were all I had and all I knew. Now we are nothing and I miss our broken relationships. If I could go back to the past 2 boys I have TALKED to (not dated) I would. I would go and make the most of my time with them, even if I ended up heart broken. I would have stayed and seen what happened instead of cowardly and fearfully leaving before anything could happen. The thought of heartbreak itself scares me enough to not even start a relationship. I haven't dated anyone in years and I'm okay with that but at the same time I'm not. I miss someone telling me I'm beautiful and wanting to be with me 24/7. I miss facetime calls and sweet little notes. I miss the little things of a crush. But I don't want to get hurt. I don't want my heart broken. So I don't even bother...I know that is not healthy but I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to allow myself to even like someone because I don't want to put all my time and energy into something that doesn't even make it past "talking." If I could go back to these moments, I would and I would change. But here I am. scared. lonely. unchanged. regretful. idk.
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