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Why is it so hard to accept ourselves? What is the thing making us criticize ourselves harsher and crueler than someone else? Why do we need to point the gun into our own hearts?
I don't know the answers, nor the tendencies that push us to be so ruthless when it comes to us. I just know that since I was a little kid who would make sense of the world around them, I was doing this to myself..
It was always easier to put the blame on myself rather than trying to find the real reason of that problem. It was safer to hurt something that I know from the inside because it belongs to me. I was too much of a coward to stop torturing myself with never ending questions like "Why did you do this?", "Why are you acting this way? No one is like you. Why are you being so different and weird?"
Eventually all these constant stress made me think that I need to become someone else in front of other people. I would have to wear a mask that make me more like them basically. I would talk about topics that dont actually interest me just to get their attribution. I would listen on and on without interrupting just to look more understanding.
Well, I didn't need to do all of this.. Because we are all different human beings and at some point we are detached from each other. One shouldn't change their opinion on a subject just because they feel like their real opinion would look like it doesn't matter.
Maybe none of this makes sense but this was a burden on my chest that I never had chance to push away. All my teenag years were wasted with me being not myself 100%. And suddenly, I found myself with no exact personality because I was wearing a different one every day. This does something to a person. Feeling like you don't belong anywhere because you are not even sure if "you" are you anymore.
I know this for a fact but I can't act on it. This started all that depression, anxiety, personality loss and self hatred caused by feeling like a fraud all the time.
I wish I could find a way to dig my way up from this hole.. Every second that I don't change my life rules what is ahead of me for the time I have left, and this is scarier than you think..
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