I can't do it anymore

I'm tired...

Alone...

And in need of an outlet emotionally. My chest feels heavy and I'm not Breathing normally. I feel numb and I feel like I'm spectating my life. What is happening to me. I can't figure it out could it be depression how will I know. I would like to go to therapy but my parents don't believe in it I have to put on a mask in front of them and my friends like I have it altogether and I don't I'm dying. My thoughts are changing and they've gotten darker where I contemplate self-harm I want to act on them more each day but I know if I fall down that road I might not come out. I've never been suicidal or someone who ever would think this way but I Need Help and I don't know how to get it. I can't go to anyone close to me because I've tried to do so with past things but there very judgemental people and they would look at me with disappoint they have high expectations that I can't meet and I don't know what to do I feel like a ticking time bomb somedays and I don't know if or how I'll explode.