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I want to kill myself. I am suicidal. I've been here before, and I attempted suicide. Part of me is still clinging to life, and telling me to hold on. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning. At the moment, I'm thinking that I'll tell her about my suicidal thoughts, but I keep changing my mind, so who knows? I know that she'll probably send me to the hospital. That's probably where I need to be, but I can't seem to convince myself to go on my own. I'm an adult, but I'm living with my parents for the moment. Do I tell them that I might end up in the hospital tomorrow? Or do I wait and spring it on them at the last minute? If I talk to them now, I'm more likely to go through with telling my therapist, but I'm afraid they'll panic and freak out. Part of me wants to skip my appointment altogether and go find a place in the woods to hang myself instead. Or stop by the pharmacy on my way home and buy a couple bottles of pills to take in my car in the parking lot. Or get up in the middle of the night and sneak into the bathroom and slit my wrists with a razor blade.
How am I supposed to get through this? I can't do this any longer. I'm done playing games. I'm ready to die. I've prayed to God to kill me in my sleep, over and over again, and He hasn't answered. But I can't live like this. At least in Hell, I won't have to try any more.
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what happened , or why are you feeling like that?
I feel your pain, I know this pain but in my mind, there is alwys hope for somethign better. You have to clong to it..it will get better. I dont know when , or how or why but is you hold on to good tiny memories and HOPE, you will be okay.
ReplyI've been dealing with depression for over 7 years. I've tried just about every drug out there. I've undergone ECT, TMS, ketamine infusions, and experimental treatments, as well as CBT & DBT talk therapies. Nothing is working. Each time I go to the doctor I start thinking there's hope that *this* time things will work out okay, but they don't, and I fall even farther. It's so hard to keep on trying when everything I've tried has failed.
ReplyWhat i can tell you is try seeking God. He hears and knows what youre going through. I dont have all the answers but i have had His peace that passes all understanding before so He can give you that i know for a fact. Dont do yourself any harm ok. Life can get rough but God can help you through the storms of life.
ReplyYou deserve the best... Telling a professional would be the best. Best of luck to you. Feel better!
ReplyDeath, hmm always such a temptress. She calls me often, so much easier. I feel your need, it's not a longing for death, but for nothingness. An absence of pain. Like sleeping with no dreams right.
Ive prayed for the same. But I've seen death its messy and filled with sadness, the people you leave behind are broken. The space you leave is never filled, no matter who you are. Drop everything, go to a river, let the white noise drown out everything. Find some solid ground, life is quicksand, dont let go.
ReplyIf you think your life is at an end, then start a new one.
Sell everything you own, pack a backpack, and leave.
Maybe you'll die somewhere, in the wilderness, but if that's the way it is, then that's just the way it is.
Pick a direction and walk and let a new life find you.
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