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Dear you,
This was the first time we were in the same room together, meaningfully, since we broke up. We pretended we weren't in the same room, for the most part. It helped that there were a lot of people. I didn't sit directly in front of you intentionally. That was the only empty chair, and my two best friends had taken both seats on either side. You didn't look at me. But I noticed two things. One, you were wearing the dinosaur socks you wore to my apartment the first night I made you dinner, socks you wore intentionally because you noticed the T-Rexes on my Converse. Two, you were wearing my bracelet, the bracelet of mine I gave you when we parted for the summer, a beaded cuff you wanted to remember me by. I let you keep it when you broke up, and you thanked me, saying you thought it was cool. Now, I'm questioning whether either of these details meant anything to you, whether you just got dressed this morning and your choices happened to coincide with our reunion, I'm questioning because that's what my brain does. But in the moment, I knew the truth: you knew full well that you were going to see me at this event, and you could've taken off the bracelet, kept your jacket on to cover it, you could've chosen not to wear it - but you didn't, even though you knew I was going to see it. You wanted me to see it, even though you didn't look at me, even though you didn't talk to me, even though you slipped out with your friends. Why? I'll admit, it made me happy. It made me feel like you were telling me something in a hard moment. This is how my brain works: that can't be true, he doesn't even remember me, he stopped liking me, he doesn't care what I think or notice, it doesn't matter to him that I'm totally gone from his life, he just thinks the bracelet is cool, he has already moved on to another work-wife, he doesn't know what we had, he didn't know a good thing when he had it, he doesn't want the real thing (remember when you said that to me?), he will never understand that our relationship was paradise for a while and that's a rare thing...on and on. The negative seems more realistic to me than the opposite. And I knew I was going to get negative as soon as you left, and I left, and I was right, I did. But I'm writing this letter to let you know that I knew the truth in that moment when we sat across from each other. I knew the truth that all the petty fears that have been keeping me up at night are unfounded. I knew the truth that you haven't forgotten me, and your loyalties haven't changed where it really counts. And I was happy with that. Was that what you intended? I wish I could tell you all this, but we aren't talking. So I'm telling you here.
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