Rest

With a stone in your chest weighing you down too much to do anything, a brain betraying you into staying there, unable to focus on anything other than yout brain betraying you into staying there, unable to focus on anything other than your brain beetraying you

Your body disgusting, your friends gone your boyfriend uninterested your broblems massive and your ability null.

At some point you decide it would be better to die.

If youre going to be unable to do anything you might as well do that without the pain.

In that moment, regardless of what follows, regardless of what you overcome or experience, regardless or love or acceptance, you change.

Decades will go past witout noticing the little things but theyre there, an inhability to cross a busy road or an eagerness to cross it without looking. Unhealthy clingy relationships contrasted by a cmoplete lackof regard for people you love. A constant pendulum swing between knowing youve overcome hardship and hardhip itself.

I used to think everyone felt it. The knot that completely petrifies you, It turns you solid and cold and prevents you from moving forward. But now I think that is death. I didnt overcome, I lost, and now all I can do is mourn.

To mourn the ability to hope without worrying that the paralysing dissapointment will kill you, to mourn the ability to love without knowing youll eventually self sabotage and lie and cheat and ruin a future you know you don't deserve, and to mourn the knowledge that if you die, at least you wont have to worry about the future, that 23 was the most you could hope for and therefore the most you could ever possibly worry about.

To mourn but without the bit where you rest in peace.