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Eating is necessary for survival, ensuring that our body has the proper nutrients to function and perform its duties. However, if there are excess nutrients the body will store it as fat, and if there is a lack of the body will begin to in a way eat itself, beginning with the muscular tissue since it is richest in protein, then fat. The body will do anything to ensure that it can survive and function. It truly is an amazing thing, yet I continue to punish mine for not being the way I want it to be. I can go on a binge and eat everything in sight and feel so guilty I throw it up, so simultaneously overfeed and starve myself.
It began when I was only 12 I was obsessed with my body, staring at myself in the mirror for hours, wondering why was I so fat. Middle schoolers can be so mean I swear, to themselves and to others. They used to call me hippypotamus, because I was fat and I would always wear peace signs. The funny thing is I've never been overweight the most I've ever weighed is 126 lbs, and that's my current weight. But if everyone else was saying that I was fat I must be. Even my Dad would constantly bring up my weight. No matter what it was like I was never good enough.
In Highschool, I finally lost enough weight to feel okay about myself, but that didn't come easy, I was working out nearly twice every day, and throwing up everything that I ate. And I only got down to 112lbs, it was never good enough. I would still stare in the mirror loathing that thing that was looking back at me. I hated myself and I felt so guilty about it. Whenever I felt guilty I would eat, everything. The lowest point I had was probably when I ate an entire gallon of ice cream in one sitting, and because I felt so guilty about I threw everything up. It's a vicious cycle I continue to deal with even to this day, especially since this is the biggest I've ever been.
Joining the military only made things worse. I was 116lbs when I started BMT. But I had to eat if I didn't grab enough food I would have to go back in line to get more. The thing that was so unnatural was that I had to have someone with me at all times. I no longer had the opportunity to throw up the food I didn't want to eat. I couldn't throw up with someone being there by me at all times. They couldn't know my dirty secret. And by the end of boot camp, I weighed 126lbs. I hated it, and a year later I still hate it. Every time I try to work out consistently I lose motivation, and even thow I still trow up nearly everything I eat I still can't shake off the weight. I don't know why I'm this way.
It's like I have these voices in my head constantly telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, and I'm sure as hell not skinny enough. That I don't deserve to have anyone because how could someone love something that doesn't even like itself. I hate myself that's why I still torture myself, through days of fasting or each and every time I throw up. Trust me I don't understand it myself.
Typically with eating disorders, there's a dramatic event that causes emotional distress and that's when the relationship between body and food is broken. The only thing is that I don't believe that I even had a traumatic event happen to me when I was 12, so I don't know why it really started. But I will say that it has gotten significantly worse with every new ordeal that I've had to deal with. And I think that's why I finally am getting help. You can only throw up so much before you throw yourself away.
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Hey,
I get it, this hasn't been easy. I'm sure everyone has said that "it will get better" and "you look beautiful", things like that- but I'm here to tell you that you'll through this. It sucks because usually, these disorders aren't something you can physically see, but more in the lines of something you can feel. It sucks, really. I'm sorry you feel this way:( I truly am... It's terrible, but it's good to be honest, which, in this case, you have been. This is the start of change. The first thing is realizing that you have a problem and figure out how to solve it. In this case, it's within yourself. There are some obvious self-change and love that needs to happen. Guess where you receive that? From you. Exactly, crazy, right? It's coming from you:) It's a process, believe me. But, you're going to make it. Don't let yourself throw yourself away. Before it gets to the point of physically harming yourself, you need to make a few decisions. I wish you luck, friend<3 you have my heart!
Replyi understand what you mean
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