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Hello. Hi.
How do I open this letter? I do not know anything about you. I do not even know if you are alive - I hope you are -. I do not know anything about the circumstances of which I was born.
How old were you both?
Was it in a hospital or was it at home?
Were you alone?
Did you have any support or help bring me into this world?
Did anyone know about me then and does anyone know about me now?
Had you already decided to give me up?
I have many more questions about my birth and the circumstances, but those press on my mind the most. The only piece of information I have close to the details of my birth is that I was only a day or two old - newborn -, probably was full-term - apparently I was a "big baby" -, and I was found in the morning. That is all I have ever known, that is the closest thing I have to knowing where I came from, where I started.
I won't lie. I used to be sad and angry that my story began with the word "abandoned" I spent years crying, spent years denying that I was upset, and spent years healing. I do not resent or regret being adopted, trust me, even if you don't actually care, you made the right choice. I just, as crazy as it sounds, miss you. I don't remember you - and I have tried -. When I was left that day, a hole was placed in my heart, a hole that I have had plenty people in my life try to fill; but for some reason, the hole remains. Unfilled. Maybe forever. And I have learned to be okay with that. Every heartbeat hurts a little less now.
Has my absence left a hole in your heart too?
One of the ways I found my footing and accepted the truth, was to imagine both happier beginnings and imagine tragic beginnings that made abandoning me the bittersweet conclusion to a chapter in the Book of Life.
I imagined that you two loved each other. That you both were young, maybe college students, who fell in love in the spring, when the nature was blooming. I imagined that you two would lay together under the stars, sharing your dreams with one another and dreaming of a life together. Maybe you two got married, maybe you even had a child together. I imagined that I wasn't planned, that even know I was an accident, I wasn't a regret or a mistake. I imagined that you two couldn't keep me, that you decided that the best option for me was to take a chance, and leave me that morning. I imagined that it was only one of you. I imagined that setting me down, leaving me, was one of the hardest moments you had to endure. I imagined that you stayed nearby, not too close, but near enough to ensure nothing happened to me until my safety was secured.
I also have imagined that you two did not love each other, and maybe what made me was something that nearly destroyed you. I imagined that you kept me a secret. I imagined that you gave birth to me, alone and were frightened. I imagined that you held me, looked at me, and knew that there was no place in your life I could fit. I imagined that you left me there, set me down under the cover of darkness, and you walked away.
Maybe there is truth in both. Maybe not.
Doesn't change anything now.
And I am glad it doesn't change anything. Whether or not you care, I want you to know that I have a great life. I have been granted every opportunity life can give. I never had to wonder if and when my next meal was going to be, I never had to worry if I would have a roof over my head for the night, I never had to worry about not having enough clothes - or love -, and I never had to face the world unprotected or alone. There has been no shortage of love in my life. I have two parents who have taught me everything from learning how to crawl to learning how to face this world.
My life has not been perfect, no life is; but I believe it's been pretty close. Despite the struggles I have had and trials I have faced, am facing, and will face, I believe with all my heart that I am where I am meant to be.
If you do care, then I hope you can find comfort and peace with knowing I am not hurting for anything. Take comfort in knowing that I have never, for a single second, hated you or resented you. Above all else, I have carried some degree of love and appreciation for you.
I have been told that I will never understand how much you may love me, until I have a child of my own. When I do, I'll write to you again, let you know if I gain some newfound perspective.
Hope you're okay, and I hope this has given you some peace.
- Your child
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