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I remember a long time ago, before my depression became more serious...
I never understood why someone would want to die, how can someone crave death so much?
I never understood it. At this point, I had pretty bad depression, mild anxiety (which I didn’t know was a thing) and starting cutting more out of curiosity to see if it could help. I never really took cutting far and it was something easy to stop and I did.
Times change though. Life starts throwing you things you never asked for. It makes you feel so many emotions you didn’t even know you could feel. Too much at the same time. With time, my depression took a huge toll, something unexplainable and unbearable. Anxiety became well known to me and wouldn’t leave my side, it became my worst enemy. I felt so isolated, so alone and felt like the world was crumbling down on me. I didn’t know how to cope and remembered about an old friend...cutting. I needed it to work, so I made it work. I need it to take my pain away. I needed it to replace my internal pain for physical. I needed it as my escape for whatever I could use it for. And it worked. It worked too well. I started doing it daily and as tolerance grew, the more I needed it to hurt. At this point, I did take it far. Suddenly I could see all my pain literally pour out of me and I became addicted. At times, it wasn’t to take the pain away but because I could not long feel anything. Nothing. I wanted to feel something so again, I did what I needed to do to see that I was indeed living, to see that I was actually there. My body became my canvas. I could express all my anger, hatred, fear, anxiety, failures, unhappiness etc. I had no one I could turn to, and if I did I always felt guilty and a burden.
It was then that I understood why someone would want to die, how someone could crave death so much. It made too much sense. I craved it so much. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I hated my mind for it. I tried to escape it but it was so hard. Why was the lake near my home suddenly so appealing to me? Why did I have fantasies about drowning in it? The pills in cabinets soon became so inviting to me. It was like sugar in my mouth that I needed, I needed to taste sweet death. So I did. I tried it after attempting to give life a chance. But it took my trust and spit it at my face. I thought, what’s the point in giving life a chance when it won’t give me a chance? The memory is a blur and more like still pictures, not a full film. I remember taking out all my anger on myself, I remember it pouring out. I remember feeling like something was crawling out of me, something evil. I remember feeling like I had lost it. It was like I was on autopilot. There was so much blood, and yet I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to really. After that I just took those pills and wished to never wake up. I closed my eyes that was that. Until the next day, i heard noises coming from the other side of my door. I couldn’t move for some reason. Until someone was trying to throw down my door. I opened the door and it was my dad. I was so confused. I don’t know how long he was knocking for or trying to get a response from me for him to think that knocking the door down was necessary. Parental instincts? All I know is that after he asked me if I was okay I said yes and closed the door and slept for 2 1/2 days straight. The pills didn’t do enough for what I wanted but kept me away for couple days. After regaining conscious, I was disappointed but at the same time extremely numb. It was a weird kind of numb. It’s like I could have never woken up but here I am. It was like life was laughing at me ? I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to still disappear but I just buried everything in the back of my head and pretended it didn’t happen. It was Christmas the day I attempted.
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+ I don’t know if anyone will read this but I would like to add that this was 2 years ago. I’m better now but I still struggle living with depression. It’s a challenge and it’s exhausting. I recently started having suicidal ideation again, it’s something that comes and goes but It scared me this time. I’m working on myself now as things have been going south and I just felt like I need to write.
ReplyIm so glad yr doing bettr now it means so much tk me. Tbh i completely understand what yr going thru from my own experiences, and i know its not easy. Just know that i am rooting 4 u.
Yr friend - roxyroll
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