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Hi, I want to first say that my family are good people, I don’t want my perspective to make my family seem terrible. I am just here to write out everything that has bothered here because I don’t have anyone in my life that I can share and release my stress with as I am currently not able to get therapy.
Family
Three years ago, I had a massive fallout with my sister. Although I don’t really remember what it was about, we didn’t talk to each other for one year even though we lived in the same house. It made me realise that I am always the one that is causing problems for the family and my mum has mentioned that to me once. I’m the one who always giving a nasty attitude and when I say one mean thing it shuts’ everyone up and my family turns their back on me, all of them. I always thought that my mum was the person I cared most about in the world but when I realised she didn’t feel the same, I felt really betrayed, even though I understand why she wouldn’t love me as much as my sister. Everytime we go out she would see certain clothes and say “You’re sister would really like this.” or when we see other things, she would mention how my sister would like it. I would slowly notice that she pays more attention to what my sister says and whatever I said seemed meaningless and unimportant.
One time, my aunty kept mentioning how “pretty” she thought I looked and how she thought I was prettier than my sister which made us both feel awkward. My mum then said that it doesn’t matter what people look like on the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside and she said this why smiling at my sister. And this really hurt me because she often yells at me when we have our arguments, that “If I keep having that attitude no one will like you”. I felt personally attacked by her words. Was she not proud that people thought her daughter was pretty or is it because my sister got hurt by that comment that hurting me would change anything? This also happened a few days ago where my mum took a look at me and then at my sister and told her that she was getting prettier while being the insecure me, I took that as an attack. I guess I’m just ugly, on the inside and out.
The little things that my mum does that makes me feel that she loves my sister more might be the reason why my mood changes quickly and that’s why they think I have anger issues. My mum and sister came up with the conclusion that I have anger issues and recommended me to therapy. It made me angry because it felt like they think I’m getting angry for no reason and there is something wrong with me and maybe there is. I felt so suffocated and frustrated that my sister could always have my mum to talk to whenever she had problems and go to her whenever she wanted to cry. But sometimes I feel like a person like me that is breaking my own family doesn’t deserve to cry so I often hold back from crying even when I’m alone.
Anxiety
During the three years I also realised I wasn’t acting normal in my new school. I would have a conversation with a teacher or a student and start to have difficulty breathing and my heart would beat really fast but the part that really bothered me was I would go really red. The first few months were the worst as I would feel dizzy and cold but hot at the same time. I couldn’t escape from conversations either because high school is too small and people are brutal and toxic. I did some research online about me symptoms and I did have ‘anxiety’ on the back of my mind but I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t want to offend anybody however my experience in high school with girls who claimed that they had depression and anxiety were kind of attention seekers who didn’t understand the true meaning of having those serious illnesses, and I didn’t want to be like those girls. I didn’t want to overreact either and I couldn’t think of any reasons why I would have anxiety. However, I could no longer ignore it because I had toxic friends and they teased me for having a red face. I decided to tell my mum that I wanted to go to therapy as she advised for my “anger issues” which was one of my intentions, but it was mainly to find out why I was feeling the way I did. The therapist told me I suffered from being a perfectionist that’s why I care so much about what people think of me, although people often told me, “You’re such as perfectionist” I never took it as a compliment or as an insult, but now the word seems so heavy. The most shocking part was when she told me I had social anxiety, I went blank and burst out crying, I didn’t even know there were different types of anxiety and a therapist had just confirmed that I have social anxiety, it is now a reality that I have anxiety. My other thought was also that I can not tell my mum because when my sister found out she had mild depression a few years ago, my mum was extremely worried and paid a lot of attention on her, although I remember feeling hurt and neglected, I have promised myself to never tell her that I have social anxiety or that I have had suicide thoughts. I know well that I do not want to kill myself but this year I often find myself to think how great it would be if I was never born or if I never existed. I read multiple posts that not wanting to exist, does not mean wanting suicide and I agree. If one day I could disappear into thin air and nobody can remember me, at least my mum, my dad and my sister will be a little bit happier, and so will I.
Sorry if my writing is not clear. Thanks for reading. :)
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