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My dog kicks me when I’m sleeping. Waking me up in the middle of the night with her black fur covered paw to my throat. She gets upset when I sleep restlessly because if I’m not sleeping well, she’s not sleeping well.
The nightmares have gotten better with time. While they used to not allow me even a wink of peaceful slumber, they now only come once in a while. I still can’t predict when I’ll have them, but I’m coping with them far better than I used to. The fetal position was a close friend of mine in those days.
It always starts out the same. I’m in my old bed—the one I shared with him—and the dream morphs. It’s sort of strange. Nothing is in any sort of order. One second I’m in bed with him and the next he has me held against the wall by my throat. I can feel the necklace around my neck snap as he wrenches his hand away and grabs my wrist. As I try to push away with my free hand, his other goes back to my throat. My head is slammed back into the wall and I can feel his drunken spit on my face as I’m gasping for air and he screams offensive names at me.
The scene morphs again.
I’m on my knees next to the bathroom door picking up the broken pieces of a light blue bowl he had thrown at me. The bowl had been full of Kraft macaroni and cheese that I had made for him per his request. I could smell the Fireball whiskey from across the room. Numb to the sound of his screaming, I didn’t hear him approach until my shoulder is grabbed and pulled along with my hair. The stink of Corona and Fireball whiskey surrounds me when his angry expression fills my vision. I can’t remember what he’s angry about. He’s always angry. Why is he always angry with me? What have I done? How do I fix this?
Grabbing the mess in my hands as much as I’m able, I bring it to the trash can in our small kitchen. When I turn around, he’s there. Practically on top of me. So I go around him keeping my gaze to the floor to try and finish cleaning up the mess. All without uttering a single word. I can feel tears streaming down my face and my entire body shaking uncontrollably with fear.
A hand to the middle of my back shoves me. The wall approaches quickly. I’m unable to move fast enough to avoid slamming my head into it. There’s yelling. So much yelling. I curl up with my knees to my chest and I can feel the fear ravaging my body like blocks of ice in my blood. Can’t breathe. Can’t move. Vision going dark around the edges. I hear him say something about how pathetic I am, quaking in fear of him in the corner.
The dream changes again.
My dog runs away. Just to the street really. Not far. She would never actually leave me. I remember he had been screaming and waving a pair of scissors in the air like a madman that early evening. I stare at her in the distance and all she’s doing is staring back at me, waiting for me. Come with me, she begs silently. So I run. But even in the dream, I know that I have to return.
Another morph.
My nails are digging into the cheap burgundy rug. It’s scratching at my skin as I’m pinned face down to the floor, thrashing for my freedom. I see the shine of steel out of the corner of my eye and I know he has a knife. The arm wrapped around my throat was connected to that knife. The knee in my back preventing me from getting away from it as I desperately wished to. The only thoughts going through my head are those of my imminent death and what will happen to my dog. I can see her out of the corner of my eye barking like mad.
And then I wake up.
I know in my mind that I’m safe now. It’s been years. I’ve even confronted him since then. These dreams—memories—don’t seem to have an end. They’ve gotten better, yes. I believe it will continue to get better and easier to talk about. But I still shake. I still have a hard time breathing through it. I still feel like the world starts to close in on me and I need fresh air. I still feel my eye start to twitch with the stress as my hands shake. And more than anything else, sometimes I still feel like the monster in my dreams is still breathing down my neck.
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I'm so sorry. I hope you make it through! Your writing is beautiful.
Sending love your way ❤
-that one random teen
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