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This is a letter I'm writing to him. And every time I think about him, I like to go back to the beginning and remember it all.
You were the new kid. Dark eyes. Rich auburn hair. A contagious smile. We were 12 or 13 years old. Since most of our classes back then were arranged alphabetically, we were almost always sat next to each other. Of course, you were new - you probably didn't know anyone, so you stuck with me.
In Math, Music, Science, English, French... you were my partner. We'd help each other in lessons and mess around. We'd succeed together in class projects. It was fun.
You'd tell me I'm talented, smart, kind and amazing - all words you've actually told me. That was what kickstarted the crush.
Then came the next school year - our classes changed. We were only in the same Math, Science and English class. By then, my crushing had hit an all-time high. Yeah. Everyday I'd look forward to going to school just because you'd be there. And if you weren't? Well, that day was considered a waste.
Fast-forward a few months.
You found some new friends - a boy gang. The kind of gang that goes around teasing the 'popular' girls, and for all I know, I have never fallen under that category. While you moved up the social ladder, I stayed at the 'introverted-but-well-known-nice-kid-nerd' level. One of my friends was considered 'popular'.
She sort of had her own category- 'smart-and-pretty-extrovert-that-everyone-likes-talking-to'. She and I were pretty chill. But then I saw.
I saw how she looked at you and talked to you. I saw how you looked at her and laughed at anything she said. I saw how you'd give yourself excuses to touch her and stroke her back in class. I saw it all.
But you stopped seeing me.
That's when I felt that our friendship, the friendship that was growing into something more, had died. We stopped talking. You continued to chill in the highest ranks of the social ladder, while I had my own small group of nerdy friends. (Friends that I suspected never liked me, but that's a whole other story.)
I'd still get butterflies in my stomach when you walked past, or when you'd walk into class. I'd avoid all eye-contact but still take the chance to look at you, and miss you.
Fast forward another year or so. We had finished the school year and were moving to the next level of education. It was the last day of school. The yearbook was out, people were signing shirts and stuff. I really wanted you to sign something for me, just as friends. Just as classmates even. But alas, you never did.
In the end, you got yourself a girlfriend. Someone taller, prettier, more outgoing than a simple introverted black girl. Of course you wouldn't choose me over those type of girls. I kinda got the hint a few years back.
Turns out you forgot about me - about the girl you first met when you were the new kid. It always hurts me to think that we've grown so far apart. I don't even know what school you go to anymore. I'm 16 now, thriving in my Maths and Physics classes, whilst perched on the low steps of the social ladder.
Where are you?
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Wow..
ReplyGurl, I'm so sorry, boys suck! We got you!
Sending love ❤
-that one random teen
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