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I was 17 when I first met him. A friendly guy with glasses and good humor. I wasn't into him back then because I see him as a potential best friend and after the times we spent knowing each other, I thought of him as a brother I've always wanted to have. Plus he was in a relationship with someone. We were real buddies. He was there when I needed support during my hard times, giving me great advice, teaching me new things and I did the same to him.
When he got engaged I was happy for him. At that time I've also started dating my ex. He planned to get married after he graduate and his fiancee came back from her studies in Japan. We were both happy with our own relationship until one day my ex and I broke up. He drove 2 hours just to see me and tried to cheer me up. Which worked because he always has his ways in cheering people up. I got a job offer not long after that near his area. So I moved and since then we spent time together almost everyday whether it's during lunch break or maybe dinner. We even go to movies every weekend. Slowly I realized that I've fallen in love with him. Cliche right? I know. But these things can't be control. I'm also very aware that he's engaged and I am already friends with his fiancee.
So I started going on dating apps and websites to meet other guys in hopes that I'll forget this feeling. He found out I was planning to meet up a guy I knew from a dating website. He tried to stop me because to him it's dangerous. It offended me because it sounds like he's saying that I don't know how to take care of myself. We argued and got into shouting fight for the first time until he just left me alone. I cried hard. I didn't mean to start a fight with him. He came back not long after. He saw my tears and hugged me tight. Then he kissed me. Everything went blank. Then the next day I finally realized what I've done. I felt like the worst human being alive. How could I slept with some else's fiance? What's worst is, I lost my virginity that I purposely save to someone who's not mine. I felt ashamed, disgusted and angry at myself that I locked myself in my room for days not even caring about my job that I got fired without pay. He tried to reach me but I didn't want to see him at all. No, I wasn't blaming him. I was just angry at myself. Then I thought, I can't hide from reality forever. So I finally agree to see him.
He apologized for what he did and he confessed that he has fallen in love with me. That is why he couldn't stand the idea of me going our with another guy when he found out. He said he wants to be with me. I asked him what about his fiancee? He said he still loves her too. I couldn't really remember what we discussed on that matter but somehow we agreed to a secret relationship without his fiancee knowing. Never have I ever imagined myself being the third person. We continue on this relationship even until his fiancee came back and it was time for them to plan their wedding.
Every day felt painful since they started planning their wedding. I couldn't sleep well at night and I lost my appetite. But with all that I still fake a smile when I'm out with him, acting like nothing's bothering me. In my heart I prayed and prayed that somehow the wedding got canceled and he picked me instead of her. Like why would he pick her over me? He constantly complained how she doesn't really gave hi the attention he needs and they argue over every small things and she doesn't even support him like how I've supported him when he wanted to achieved his goals and dreams. I asked myself why wouldn't he just open his eyes and realize all that? But I kept all that to myself because I don't what to be a burden in his head.
The night before their wedding we met. I couldn't control my emotions and cried while begging him to cancel his wedding because if he's married he'll definitely leave me. He calmed me down and promised that he'll never leave me. The next day finally came. I excuse myself from the wedding, saying I had some sort of food poisoning. I can't bear witness to the wedding of the man I love so much with another woman. I locked myself in my room crying all day. I hoped that at least he would text me the next day or maybe after 2 or 3 days? But he didn't and I thought like "That's it! he has left me. He's happy being with his newly wedded wife." I felt like a total fool for believing him. Then he texted me after 2 weeks. Long story short, we continued the secret relationship until one day his wife found out. They had a fight and she asked him to choose between me and her. And of course he chose her. We met and he said he no longer could continue this relationship and that he loves his wife and whatever. I agreed to let go. But we kept in touch. He would text me when he's alone without his wife or if they had a fight or when his wife made him feel insulted. I was there to support him emotionally. I was never the one who texted him first because I was afraid that his wife would find out.
Then he stopped texting me again. At that time I thought that's it. That's finally it. I lost him forever. I should just move on. Of course I hoped that he would give an explanation before he stopped. But who am I in his life to deserve that kind of treatment. I wasn't supposed to be anyone other than just normal friends with him from the start. It was me who agree to the secret affair even after he was married. It was all my fault from the start. And after all that I still wonder til this day if he really did loved me? If he wasn't engaged with his wife would I be the one he marry? and why suddenly he left without at least telling me first? This love remained unresolved. I hope one day I'll truly move on from asking these questions to myself. I have no one to blame for this pain but myself and only myself.
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I think you just need to let go, he is married. You are inferior in this situation because it's like he can have whoever he wants, like he has an option. There's like, a lot of guys in the world, go explore and know that you are more than just the third person, you are more than just an option. See your worth and cheer up!
ReplyIf you really love someone, you have to let them go.
Also, if he loves two people at the same time, he should choose the second one. Because if he really loved the first, he wouldn't have chosen the second at all. Does that make sense?
I wish you the best of luck.
Reply