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Who am I? The question I have begin to ask millions of times in my Youth. Who will I become and what will become of me in the future? My life growing up was very sheltered and I was first an open book turned into a quiet distant person. My family like many had their problems. I grow up in a Domestic violent household. My parents fought and argued many times, and all I could do was watch in the shadows. My mother a strong-willed lady with her own voice, guided my family through the years. She was the glue that held us all together, even in our adult years. She did not have a life after I was born and dedicated her time to my sister and I. She was like an avocado, she had a hard shell but what others could not see was her soft interior and because of her soft interior she lived with a man who couldn’t see her worth.
My Family, like most family, lived a double life. We Smiled in the public eye, went on vacations, celebrated holidays and people envied us. What they didn’t see was how distant we had all become, how harsh we were all to one another, and the constant separating and moving every few years or couple months. By the time I was 15 I was tired. Tired of moving, tired of the arguments, tired of the lies. But I did not have a voice. My mother always told me when I became an Adult “Why did you not speak about this to me before?” She says this as if, we never followed her to a hotel, or watched her stalk my father to see if he was cheating. Or if she didn’t remember all the times they separated and got back together every year. To answer her question, I would say “I did” and she would always come back to me with “No you did not. You never did.”.
My mother and I had a great relationship growing up. She was very protective, and until I finally had a child, I understand why she was very protective. As I gotten older, I would tell myself, I will never be like my mother. I would never stay with a man who didn’t love me or would cheat on me or hurt me. So, I tried to figure out how to leave faster and due to that my mother and I relationship became strained. She wanted me to help her and be there for her and I just wanted to get away. My mother thought I had abandoned her, but she never asked me how I felt. Through the years, they told me I was tough and strong. When my sister would lash out and yell that life wasn’t fair, that our family is dysfunctional. I stayed quiet. I could see the looks on my parents faces; I could hear them say repeatedly “You are over exaggerating.” And yet here I was being accused of not caring enough, not voicing my opinion enough, but as a kid or a teen when you look at this lifestyle, what are you supposed to say or do. How are we supposed to react when our own parents think we are over the top? No one really cares about the child or teen feelings; we are just born into families and must learn to accept the way they are and continue to live with our lives. That is what I did, Until I left.
When I moved out and got married on my own, I always told my husband I do not want to be like my family. I do not want to have the life I grew up in. He tried to understand but if you never lived it, you can’t have much of an opinion. I got pregnant and once again my family were more in my life then they have been in a long time. Then the drama started. As an adult, I can now voice my opinion, I no longer live under my parents roof, I no longer fear that if I speak up I will be shot down because now the ball is in my court, this is my house and I will live it the way I want to. That is what I was thinking but it always plays out differently. As my mother comes by to help me with my child she comes with baggage. My father. Who tries his might to be insanely annoying or jealous of the new kid, I am not sure? He barely says anything nice and I just don’t like how he handles babies. And as a mother, I wonder how my mom stayed with this man who has no respect for her or his kids or grandkids. But I toss it as “love is a crazy thing”.
When I try to voice my opinion even now as a mother, I still get shot down. It seems the excuses are never ending. “You are just saying that because your father came over and disrespected you in front of your friends” or “ You only now care so why are you complaining”. Its like the louder I am, the smaller the effect. The harder I try to have a voice, the more they swallow it up. I just keep saying “this will not be my life. This is not going to be my daughter’s life.” But like toxic air, it consumes everything around me. I get lectures on things like “stop bringing up the past”. Just the other day I voiced my opinion around Christmas when my father told me and my daughter that he was going to leave her on the corner to get kidnapped, but apparently words from my mother “ I know how he is so I shouldn’t be surprised and let it go”. Its mind boggling how, everything is sweep under the rug and once again my voice is gone.
I can scream a thousand times, but I doubt I will ever be heard. How many times do I have to ask “Can you hear me? Are you even listening?” How many times do I have to push you all away to finally see, I do care but you to busy making me the bad guy? I am the bad guy because my voice was not loud enough. I was the bad guy because I chose to leave and live my life instead of wasting my time in this loop repeatedly. I am the bad guy because I put my sanity first. I am the bad guy because I decided to get friends. I am the bad guy because my husband respects me. I am the bad guy because I didn’t feel like following you while you decide if you wanted to be a family or not. I am the bad guy because my words are not what you want to hear.
I am the bad guy.
I will always be the bad guy.
I accept that I will be the bad guy because you do not want to hear my voice.
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You see things one way and your mother (and father) see them another. You have different points of view because you are all looking at them at a different angle. None of you can possibly see the same things the same way. Different aspects stand out for each of you. Just as two people look at the same scene for the same amount of time they both will describe it differently. Things stand out for one, and other things stand out for the other. The three of you see the conduct of your family a completely different way to one another, and of course you all think you are right which you are. Each point of view is right to each person. So accept things as they are. After all your parents think they know better than you. Be happy with your life is as it is now and don't dwell on what your parents say. Be appreciative of your husband and child and spend less time with your parents.
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