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Sometimes a stranger creeps into my mind... tip toeing among the debris. I am at times unaware of it's presence... unaware as it seeps into the cracks of my mind, my heart, my soul. I find myself just wondering what death feels like. Becoming intoxicated with the idea of ceasing to exist... the beauty of the stillness, the darkness, the quiet. It intrigues me.
I find myself dancing with idea of closing my eyes to never open them again. To never feel disappointment, heart-ache, grief. To shut out the screaming in my own head caused by permanent residents: worry and anxiety.
To just switch off the anxiety. To stop my erratic heart beat, the sleepless nights, the worrying, the sweating... the constant need to be doing something but not wanting to get out of bed. I've become my own juxtaposition. Social butterfly, with no friends. Confident yet so self-conscious. Knows my own worth refusing to settle but desperate to be loved in whichever way. Bowing to toxicity as long as it never leaves...
The stranger whispers the promise of peace. No more financial worries, no more need to be the good egg, no more feeling alone and worthless and not good enough. To end this exhaustion and constant running
"Its just like going to sleep" the stranger tells me. So then I become curious... what that peace would feel like. For my mind to just...stop... allow the darkness to swallow me whole. "What do you have to lose? Your story doesn't get any better... nothing changes" the stranger feeds me. But....
What if it does?...
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