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Tonight I want to write down just how irritated I am. I feel like I can’t communicate with my own spouse over any little detail. Tonight he got mad enough to throw his own phone. If it had have broke, I can guarantee you it would have been “my fault”. Just like everything else is my fault. Well I’m fucking frustrated. He can’t handle his own feelings so he just acts like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I’m done. I need to write things down now to keep my own sanity and to get things off my mind. I can’t handle being treated like trash, which is how I feel every time I try to tell him anything. Even explaining why I didn’t like a movie that he happened to like is aggravating as fuck. He puts me down and tries to make me feel stupid. Which is exactly how I feel right now. Stupid trash. So thanks for that. And you wonder why I never share anything with you. Why would I when all I get is either “my” fault or belittling?? Where did the calm and caring person go that I used to know? When did the argumentative asshole surface? All you want to do is fight me on every little thing, and turn needless shit into huge things. Well now I’m going to bed crying like I’ve done more this year than I have in my previous 29 years of living. I’ve been trying to understand how my mother could want to kill herself. Well now I understand. Because that’s how I’ve been feeling night after night. I feel trapped with nobody to talk to, and I feel like sitting in the shower with a knife to my wrist and watching as life goes down the drain poetically like how I feel my is going at this moment. I won’t do that, because at least I understand how devastating a suicide is to everyone else looking in, and I’m stronger than that. But that doesn’t keep the thought from entering my mind. And it’s all because of how you make me feel sometimes. I was in a decent mood all day. Until after you asked me what I thought of the movie. I find it difficult to articulate words spoken. Whatever. Fuck this and fuck the you. I’m going to bed.
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I hope you're okay and that things are going better. I've been through times like yours and it really does hurt. You're not alone, even if you feel that way right now. At the heart of most arguments is some kind of core hurt or fear. Your partner probably felt hurt about the movie, but it's not okay to lash out at you when you share how you feel. I have been through this too with my boyfriend. It's really hard. Many, many people are experiencing those same feelings of aloneness, anger, and hurt right now. Adults can be childlike, relationships can be torture. The way you feel makes perfect sense.
You can always talk here if you want to. I know it's considered bad to air your "dirty laundry" about a relationship, but I think it's so important to have a friend who can listen and understand how you're feeling. And if we don't talk to others, how will we know if our relationship is healthy or not? Anyway, you matter. Your feelings matter, and I know I don't know you, but I do care. You deserve happiness. Find some things that make you feel a little better and stick with them (as long as they're healthy). Tend yourself. You are the best friend you can ever have, so comfort and care for yourself. Sending you love and hopeful wishes.
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