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They don't understand. That I'm strong that I can do anything, that I'm in the "prime" of my life.
Shell get it done
She has a great life
Look at her, she shouldn't be sad
I understand all that. And they're right I shouldn't be sad. But I can't help it when the feeling comes over. It's this empty feeling that comes from the inside. And all you can do is cry, because otherwise you might kill yourself. So you cry to release the pain. And you want someone to call you, to hug you but there's no one there so you cry.
Then you put on a smile, get dressed and leave the house. Because you have class, be ause you have work, because someone needs help. And they say you look so happy, your so lucky, you have nothing to be sad about.
And when you finally try to tell someone, when you get the courage to open up. Whether it's through alcohol or just plain tiredness and vulnarability. You open up.
And then they say to think positively. That you're young, that others have it so much worse. And I know that, oh do I know that others have it worse. I don't have to look far. I see what my family goes through, and I hear what others go through and then I feel bad for feeling bad. And what can I do but nod and say yes you're right. Only to go back home, turn off the light, climb in bed and cry my eyes out. I don't even have the energy to watch something-thats when I know it's bad. -when I don't even want to watch something on YouTube.
And I talk to others- and they end up telling me about their pain, and I comfort them as much as I can. While trying not to place my own pain in the conversation. Sometimes I think that one day I'll crack. I'm surviving and I'm fighting , but one day I won't be able to be strong anymore one day I'll decide I'm way to tired and one day will turn into last day. I'm not sure when, but I'm scared of that day. Because now I'm too scared to do so , but maybe one day I'll be "strong" enough to be done.
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