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I am miserable. I work in a place where I have to walk on egg shells because my keeping my job relies entirely on if I'm liked or not. My word is worthless and anything bad that someone says against me is taken over my word, regardless of how much proof or evidence I have to support my word. I cry before going to work and scream in my head through my entire shift. I put on a smile and try my best to do everything in my power to do my job with 100% and to work as a functional team with my colleagues, but I am alone in this. they would rather talk about me and complain about me behind my back. I BEGGED repeatedly for my colleagues to simply come talk to me if they have any problems with me at all and they agree but then go behind my back and complain to everyone without ever giving me the chance to fix anything. I ask my colleagues if there is anything they need, if everything is okay, if they want me to do anything and they always tell me all is well, but then they go above my head and complain to my supervisor about things, that in many cases, arent even true.
My job gives me nightmares lately. I cant sleep well and I keep waking up with headaches that dont go away. then I work through my shift with a headache on top of dealing with everything else. I leave work contemplating suicide on a near daily basis. I go home and cry or eat to drain my emotions.
I have applied to hundreds of other jobs and only got called back for a few interviews. while I was told that I did well and am a top contender for the position I interview for, I still.dont get picked. I ask what I can do better, why I didnt get the job and I am told that I did great but there was too much competition or that there was just someone better suited. in other words, I'm simply not good enough, and there's no fixing that. I have nothing about me that is special, nothing that makes me important. I'm not beautiful, I'm not especially intelligent, I'm nothing.
My job requires me to work with kids and help them recover from their traumas and learn healthy coping skills so that they can function in society. you would think that working in such an environment would mean that my colleagues are good hearted people, but it's not true. there are two types of people, ones who work as a team and lift others up, and those that tear others down to make themselves feel or look better. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IN MY WORKPLACE IS THE FIRST TYPE. I personally cant bring myself to fight back by tearing other people down as revenge or whatever. I dont go to.my supervisor with every little complaint, instead I talk to that person. But I spend so much of my time telling my supervisor that the complaints I am accused of are either false or that I had no idea there was a problem.
just the other day I was written up because a coworker complained about me saying that I dont do work and that they came to me and said something and I replied with an attitude. THIS NEVER HAPPENED but I was written up for it without even being allowed to defend myself.
I cant keep going to work...I keep having mental breakdowns and stress that is unbearable. but I cant get another job...do I deserve this? is this my karma for something? or am I just trash that isnt worh Gods time or blessing. did he forget me? or am I not.worth his time? I'm not good enough for those jobs, I'm not good enough for a guy, I'm not good enough for friends...perhaps im also not good enough for him...
I wish so much that I could share my thoughts and feelings but I dont want attention or sympathy. I dont want pity and most importantly I dont want people to have to deal with me. I dont want people to be mad at me for feeling this way. I cant stand the thought that people are only talking to me because they feel they should since I mentioned suicide. I dont need that, I need just one person to be on my side so I dont always feel like I'm fighting the world with no one on my side.
I dont want to die or be dead, I just dont want to keep living this life. I need out. I need help.
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This type of trouble goes on in a lot of work places and people stay and have nervous breakdowns or leave because they can't stand it any more. You must keep searching for another job. Is there a different type of work you can do? What I have experienced is that it's okay in every job for about the first two weeks and then trouble comes to me no matter how much I try to get on with people, or no matter how much I keep to myself. Work places are cancerous. Trouble is in there and it spreads like cancer. Please pray for another job in a friendly oriented work place. Also bosses sit away from their staff and think or pretend that everything's all right. Bosses and others in charge don't understand that they lead by example so when they are nasty or two faced to someone they are giving the signal that it's okay for everyone to be like that. All I can say is good luck. Maybe you can start a business from home.
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