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I'm writing this as a depressed, hormonal tween. My life is absolutely aawsome, which happens to be what caused my depression and anxiety.I'm the smart kid at school. As well as the popular kid. And the oddball. I play a lot of roles. That causes stress for me, in fear of letting people down like they have for me. I don't like inflicting pain on others, and doing so causes pain to me. That adds on to the stress. I sometimes feel like people are using me. My "friends" often make remarks about how they want me to be in their group or be their partner because of my intelligence. Please don't think of me as a show-off. I'm not trying to act like that at all. I have had crappy boyfriends as well ( two horrifically immature boys) that have left me within a month. That is part of what causes my depression. I am often told I'm amazing, flawless even. The truth is, I'm a horrible person. I get this feeling of superiority when others get in trouble, or overreact. I feel strangely good when people I don't care for get hurt. I'm a horrible snoot. My grandmother was a compulsive liar who didn't care for me at all. My grandfather died before I was even born. My grandmother is depressed as well. I've been having repeated meltdowns. I'm scared and I don't know what's going on with me. I'm sorry you wasted your time reading this. To you, I'm just another insane, depressed, anxious sicko. But thank you for reading this. Please comment ways to help.
-From a monster of a person.
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It's not that complicated dear friend. Atleast less then you think.
Right now your in a wild place. You gotta get centered on something that can bring you down when you get wild. For me, that church. When i actually decided to GO and LISTEN and INTERACT. i couldn't leave the Bible in the pew anymore. I had to get my own.
But that takes time and maturity. Your in a place where, it's good to just be aware, observe, and catalogue. No one expects any big moves from you right now. So if you're having a hard time changing your mood swings it's okay... so have some peace in that. Everyone expects you to go to school, get good grades, and be reasonably responsible with chores and activities. Outside of that, you're still learning and growing in so many ways. Take the pressure off yourself right now too- because i hear perfectionism- you'll never be perfect. So throw all this "i don't want to let anyone down" out the window. You will let them down eventually. In big and small ways.
Just be confident you'll try, and when you fail that you'll learn from it.
I don't think you're a monster either. I think we all have bad behaviors. Some really really really bad. But everyone was simply born that way. The entire world- not just humans is that way. There is no special person, unless you count Jesus. And because of Jesus Christ we can be special too. Special when we follow him as messengers and lights to the world with his message about restoring humans with God, and specially special at the end of age where Christ followers are finally all with God.
My advice is for you to be patient. Very patient...
ReplyHello, i also been used like that when i was still in my secondary school, just say a popular and intellegence people would take everyone attention wherever you are, in school, in work, in life, in everything. There are a lot of pressure from people, and yeah... People just using you, and claiming they own you for their own good, i have been stressed for being used and really want to tell them that i've been hurt, but i just cant, i also cant let them down, it's not long before i realised all this pressure i had make me feel being superior than other and numb in empathy.
But just you know, it's not your fault for being that way, it just that our society done that to us, not because you are a monster, it just because you were forced to feel that way, my suggestion for you, try to start ignoring them, maybe it sounds bad, but try to shut them out, they dont even know you that well maybe, why forcing yourself to make yourself into what they are expecting, just be you, they maybe would badmouth you behind, but just say "idc,it's my life" and trust me it would feel good, maybe feel guilty at first for ignoring them, but after that you would start getting used to being yourself
Actually, just be honest to yourself, we actually already know how to do it, it just hard to keep moving on
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