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I have been in an existential crisis for years now.
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The inability to relive one's true stress, to find relief in any way other than the unobtainable. This you know isn't from being unable, or unwilling, but from being blocked, stopped, beaten, battered, and crushed by those who seek to hold all the power. You will never know peace so long as they exist, you will never be free so long as they are free. The reason this works this way is because of how power is obtained, and though it can be passed on it rarely is. Power can only be taken from others, not given to one's self. No matter how you struggle you will never be able to disprove this fallacy. It is as inevitable as death but we seek it out more than the oxygen we breathe. We all cling to power and status, no matter how clean we may seem we all seek some sort of power. So few have broken free of these bonds and for others, those people live lives worse than anyone else. But I guess that is all subjective, isn't it? We only know what we have been taught, what we have seen around us, and what conclusions we have drawn from our own perspective. I guess in the end it doesn't matter who has lived what lives, we all end up dead in the end, but how you lived matters when you are alive, regardless of what your goals, ambitions, and dreams are. In my life, I have always dreamed of seeing every single culture, natural wonder, environment, animal, city, and eventually part of space that exists. But I have come to realize that even if we found a way to give me the time on the planet to do this, there is likely no chance I will be able to do this. It is because those people who have all the power and money will never share it or give it up. We all cling to what power we can get. I was born unlucky and thus my degree of difficulty was set in stone when I was born poor. This doesn't mean that I should give up, this does not mean I cannot become wealthy and powerful, but without guidance, where am I. Without a knowing and guiding hand what can I hope for? Maybe for some, they grew up with parents that taught them and guided them, I never had that so I often find myself wondering who I can ask for guidance. This also leads to the notion of dependence, what is my dependence? What do I rely on to keep myself from slipping down a darker path? My childhood was riddled with abuse, molestation, mental assault, physical assault, poverty, and abandonment. However, I never was decided to drink, to do drugs, to steal, to hurt, or do anything malicious. But not everyone breaks the same way, SO what is it that I drew from those experiences, if everyone is shaped from their education and their experience then what did I become, what is my addiction. I have my issues such as poor diet, poor body image, self-esteem issues, and a lack of focus, and a little nail-biting, but what is my true punishment from those years. I have known so many that have fallen so much farther down that I have from much less grim situations than mine but to me, that means that I am not realizing what my baggage is. I have dreams and aspirations that go far beyond what most want and I have 0 intention of getting married or having kids. I always feel like I need to do more, go farther, accomplish more, and it never feels like enough. There is so much I have not seen or done yet I have so little time left to do it all. This is all one big rant that keeps me feeling somewhat sane. I ask these questions to question myself and my existence. Maybe I even do it to use as fuel and motivation. But I always come back to the question of who I could be if I could find someone to guide me and help mold me into the person I want to be.
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