Fires

I've never been one to write my feelings down or express them in any way but the last few weeks have forced me to. As many know the fires in Australia are devastating many. I wish i could say im writing from an outside perspective but even at this moment my town is being threatened by a fire that has already taken homes from us. I can't remember the exact date this all started for us but i know it was before the start of 2020. We knew it was coming, we couldn't be told when and how bad it would hit. Since i heard those words come from our emergency service leaders i havnt slept real well, i found my mind always worried that while i was sleeping I'd miss something. I had dreams every night that our home was over run by fire, I'd wake up scared and confused. After a brief converstation with our local RFS i decided it was time to talk to my 5 year old about what we need to prepare for. There wasn't much point going to deep into it with my 2 year old but i tried to involve her aswell. It was a scary talk, it was to let her know that a fire is coming and that at somepoint we will need to leave home and that we needed to pack our stuff ready to go. A few days after that talk we had christmas, which is the last time i can remember that we didn't have a worry and were able to enjoy ourselves. It all started with the fire crossing the river about 11km from home (we are surrounded by national parks,dry landscapes and trees) we knew then that it was coming. We were ready or so i thought. We woke one day and we just knew something wasn't right, the birds were no were to be seen and the beautiful sounds we were used to had left. It felt like a ghost town. We decided that we hadn't heard anything so we would stay and keep up to date. A couple hours late we looked outside and saw this huge cloud of smoke that i can only descibe as looking like a nuke cloud. At that point we decided we needed to go. We wanted to stay but our children and pup came 1st. This is when the heart break for us started. We told the girls they had to choose 3 toys each. It's like at that moment it hit our 5 year old what this meant. She kept a brave face for her little sister till everyone was strapped into the car and then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and simply said 'i dont want the fire in our house, it's my home' my heart broke. She didn't care about the toys she left behind all she cared about was the home she has spent the last 5 years growing in. I simply looked at her and said that might be our house but as long as we have each other we are home. I got in the car took one look at the sky and i knew this was coming and that it wasn't going to be pretty. I drove as fast as legally possible to get out, at one point i looked in my rearview mirror and was horrified by what i saw, i felt tears start to roll down my face, it finally hit me that next time we come back that we may not have a house and lose everything we have worked so hard for. I looked forward, pulled myself together and headed for my mothers. When we arrived it was bedtime for the girls, we got them to bed, gave them a kiss and reminded them how loved they are. I finally sat down, trying to put my mind somewhere else. Suddenly my phone is going crazy, the fires had stared to hit home, it was my fire app that was going off every few seconds. At that moment i lost it, i sat on the lounge crying, balling my eyes out. It was partly from the unknown of what was going to be left, partly because i was scared shitless for those i knew hadn't left and partly because it hit me that if we hadn't of left when we did my two children would have been in danger and suffered in so many ways. I cried till about 4am when the pings started to slow down and i was to tired to go on. That morning i woke feeling like a zombie, hoping for news but there was none. All we knew is that property had been lost. I was met with some relief of hearing from those that i cared for getting out, they were lead through flames by the firies, a horrible thought but i just thanked god for looking out for them and for blessing us with those fighting the fires. We didn't get a lot of information for a few days, the roads were closed so no one could get in or out. Once the roads opened we rushed back. The drive was hard, we dron through burnt out bush and homes that were just ash and rubble. I cried, i couldn't care at that point about my own home, all i could imagine was the thought of those around me being left with nothing and the pain they are going through. When we arrived home we were met with relief. Our house was still standing, it was coved in ash, burt leaves and all that but it was there. We should have been happy but my heart still hurt and the tears were still there. We were then told the threat was not over and that the fire would be taking another run at us at some point. We by this point at are so exhausted that it didn't hit us what that meant. We kept the car packed, and basically lived out of two pairs of clothes each incase we had to leave. This went on for about a week. Our 5 year old started having nightmares about this fucking fire and i felt anger. Not towards her but towards the situation we were in. Everyone was surving on little sleep and a high emotions. Then friday came around. I was in the shower when my phone went off. The fire had escalated again. At this point we start thinking about our options. We decided to wait and see. We were up till about 1am. Then suddenly we get the message saying seek shelter the fire is coming, to late to leave. My heart sank. Smoke was everywhere, burnt leaves falling, police cars and fire trucks everywhere. Cars were flying out, trying to make it out. In that second we decided lets go! So i started hosing down the house while my partner grabbed the kids and put them in the car, the dog was in the front and once again we were leaving. On the way out cops were directing everyone where to go, there was a line of us and we left. It was around 2am when we reached safety, we were tired the kids were crying and we were just done. I was done with this, i was sick of living this life, always on edge, losing sleep and everything else. I just wanted it to end. We couldn't get home for a few days again so we were camped at my partner's grandparents place. It was hard, but we kept our phones off and only checked to see if roads had opened. We decided that while we were some where safe that we would enjoy it, sleep well and just have fun! It had been about 4 weeks we had been through this by now. We were done with the emotions it brought so while we were away from it we put it all to the side. It was amazing, the kids could play, they could run outside without chocking on smoke and we could smile and laugh. It all went so fast and it was time to go back to reality. We packed up again, and headed home. Once again driving through it all made me cry, my heart broke all over again but once again our house had survived. While we were happy we were sad, scared, worried and a whole bunch of emotions on top of it. We started all over again, watching waiting, leaving, coming home. It's been weeks since this started and we still have active fire that is threatening us. Someone lost a home 2 days ago to it, our firies lost a truck to it aswell. I still cry a lot but what gets me is seeing my 5 year old have nightmares, it's still very much with her and she knows the fires are still very much there. We still leave with fear, on edge and everything that comes with it but we've seemed to adjust, we have night were we have to sit up and watch the fire but we just do it. It's part of our life now. It's just like, eating, sleeping, bathing, etc. Although we have been lucky so far i still feel pain for those around me and for the wildlife we have lost. In saying that I've watched my community rally around each other, support each other any way they can and that brings me some comfort, it reminds me that there is good in the world and makes me see that no matter what im allowed to have these feelings, im allowed to fall apart because its natural and there are so many people ready to help me when i need it. The threat is very real for us all still but knowing my community is there for myself and my children brings me comfort at such a hard time. Without all our emergency services, including our RFS which is volunteer based our town would have lost more already, no matter how many homes are lost i hope they know we are forever greatful and extremely proud of them and all they do!