Homophobic ex best friend

Broke up with my best friend for years because she was homophobic. She's helped me get through a lot, the worst of my mental illnesses, being bullied, part of my trauma ... And she was very understanding when I came out to her. She was so important to me. Always thought she was very supportive, but in retrospective ... Not so much. Last year, before all went down, she refused to go to pride with me. She repeatedly got annoyed and reluctant when I asked to go to LGBT places. She kinda told me I was being predatory with the girl I liked (I wasn't, she's my girlfriend now, my ex best friend was just being homophobic and participating in the whole "lesbians are predatory" disgusting discourse). She used to say some people had "gay energy", back then I let it pass because I trusted her and thought she was just re-using my words because she was used to hear them. When we went to LGBT places, she'd make really inappropriate comments, about how homosexuality's a sin, etc. Same for when we went to see gay movies, she'd make comments about intimate scenes, say it was "uncomfortable", "disturbing", "too long", "strange" ... And she only made those comments when it was gay movies. She made this comment about my favourite movie, which she knew I was extremely attached to and related to a lot. She called straight people "normal people".

I guess with time and distance, I can say she was never really supportive. She was just abusing my trust, and she never tried to really educate herself. When I'd try to explain to her why some things she said we're hurtful, she'd say I was being annoying. I'm fucking angry. We've not talked for months, but I'm still so fucking angry and hurt.

I feel like I haven't been the same ever since our break up. I don't know how to process homophobia anymore, I don't know how to handle it. I cry all the time, I'm extremely sensitive about it, can't even hear "faggot" without feeling absolutely horrible and like I need to go hide immediately. This affects everything in my life. Can't watch my favourite movies anymore without ending up in tears. Can't try to be affectionate towards my girlfriend in public, even though I used to be a little bit more daring before. I literally only really touch her when we're only us two in a closed and safe place. For a time I couldn't even look at girls, and used to self-harm just for having lesbian thoughts.

I blamed myself, a lot. Wished I was straight, a lot. I'm a little better now, but I'm still so angry and hurt. I'm angry I'm hurting, I'm angry I can't do what I want and be what I want, I'm angry I can't touch my girlfriend and take the bus without asking myself "was it really safe ? am I gonna get assaulted ?". I'm angry at how traumatic losing my best friend to homophobia was. I'm angry at the scars on my arms. I'm angry I can't wear my gay pins anymore. I'm angry I've not been able to read a single gay piece of literature ever since. I'm angry I lost one of the person I loved the most. I'm angry I lost the person who made me realize I was a lesbian. I'm angry she betrayed me, and I'm angry she was the one who shaped me in my identity. I'm angry for being terrified she'll one day find out I had feelings for her. And I don't even fucking know how to deal with anger because of all my past traumas. And I feel like shit.