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there was a time when I felt everything for you
imagined a world where we were one
you hands caressing my hair
while I gently closed my eyes and smiled
the way you made me feel
loved, alive and understood
but then as if like a switch on the wall,
I shut off that love
I blamed you, I blamed her, I blamed myself
How stupid could I be to think that you could be mine?
How stupid could I be to fall in love so unabashedly?
Oh, I deserve so much better?
Oh, you are not my type?
whether I convinced myself or was a fool
who knows.
Those feelings went away.
I was happy for you.
I was happy that you were happy.
I was happy that we connect in someways
maybe not the way I had imagined our world to be
but it was something
I could hold on to.
I began loving you but
not in "that" way, you know
there was an ease between us
some sort of strength or companionship
A gust of wind has hit my chest
that now I am gasping to breath
Like a constant lump of emotion stuck in my throat
that when I stopped loving you
did I lose you or did I lose myself
a feeling that I had thought that I left behind
keeps on surfacing above
as if like a lifeless body
some murdered had drowned in a lake
Is this what it means to love someone?
whether they will ever know or not
what I am feeling through inside?
As every part of heart physically aches
to the thought of being around you
but not being with you
I don't see you the same way
I don't wish for you to caress my hair
I don't need you to hold my hand
but there is an inexplicable feeling
of losing myself.
Romanticizing in my own sorrow
I am fully aware
is it childish?
maybe
But what I do know is
to love someone
is to overcome a lake of emotions
while some drown yet manage to emerge above
while others emerge above just to drown again....
(to be continued).
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